Friday, December 27, 2013

Airport, Headphones, & Scrambled Thoughts

 I wrote this while waiting for a connecting flight to visit a best friend in California. He offered to fly me out to get away from town for a week and try to ease my mind enough to grasp what had just recently become my overturned, unfamiliar and broken life.  For some reason sitting in an airport,  people watching helps me think, write and opens my mind. I see all these people and complete strangers not knowing each other’s past or what hardships they may be going through. All that has happened in this last year has truly given me a different outlook on EVERYTHING in this life.

Dear Adrienne,
Another sun rises, another sun sets, and I am here without you by my side. When I close my eyes I can still see you, your beautiful smile and those sparkling sassy brown eyes so full of love. I still smell your perfume, I still hear your voice, and I try so hard to feel your loving gentle touch. Your memories are the first thing on my mind when I rise in the morning and the last thing I think of when I lay my head down at night.

Together we have made so many beautiful memories, but there are so many we had yet to create. My thoughts are so scattered, my emotions so torn, broken and fragile. You were my best friend, my wife, and my everything. Without you by my side everything seems impossible to handle. There is a void in my heart that only your love could ever fill. Together we have overcome so much since the day we met, our love no doubt stronger now than it ever was. I have day dreamed a thousand times over again about what our children would look like. and It absolutely crushes my heart that I will never get to experience that with you. If we had a girl anything like you I would be in some serious trouble, as she would undoubtedly have me wrapped around her little finger just like her beautiful momma. One smile or innocent look is all it took for you to get what you wanted from me and she would have the same effect no doubt. It was your smile that I fell in love with years ago when we met but  it was your gentle caring heart that made me buy a ring and take a knee. It feels as if we exchanged our vows just yesterday, on that beautiful day in front of so many amazing friends and families. That day was so perfect and brought us both so much joy as well as memories that will be cherished forever.

I have never been a perfect husband, in fact far from it. I do know one thing for sure, I love you more than anything and pray that you have forgiven me for any of my wrong doings, or any times that I may have cause you heartache. I have tried to do my best my love.  I do not want to get used to not having you by my side, to confide in, to lean on when needed and to share all of my happiness or hardships with. I am certain that I will not love like this again, that is how I feel at this very instant at least. I want so badly to make you proud and to still share my love with you as you are watching down. Most importantly I want to live my life in a way that allows me to be with you again and walk the streets of heaven together.
I know that only a few things could become of me and my life after your passing. 1.) I could just completely fall apart and self-destruct going against everything that we believed in. This would be the easy way out. 2.) I could find the strength to make you proud and carry on the legacy of your beautiful heart living my life for God so that we could reunite in a far more beautiful place.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know what is right and what I need to do. It just makes it so much harder to do on my own without your love and support. I have been reaching out to god for wisdom, strength and guidance but still feel all alone at times.  I feel so bad because all these years I should have been reaching out to him more for the same thing as well as forgiveness, guidance and to just thank him for my many blessings. You made me a better man Adrienne; you grounded me and kept me in check. Please allow me to feel you near me, give me strength to do what is right and courage to continue on without you here with me. I will Love you always and you will forever hold a piece of my heart that I will not get back again until I see you again. I love you unconditionally with all that I am. Until we meet again my love, Forever yours,     Jesse

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

A gift to remember

It is extremely difficult to see all the excitement of Christmas this year when what I hold most dear was taken from me. I am not being bitter, just real. As hard as this is, has been and will be, I am forever grateful for everyone's support and love. Thank you all so much. I pray that you hold your families close this Christmas and every after that, as well as reflect on your blessings rather than hardships. Have a blessed Christmas and remember why we celebrate this day.

I went to some close friends to watch the kids open their Christmas gifts and get out of the house for some fresh air. Adrienne loved all of our friends children as if they were her own, everyone knew how good she was with them. That is all I can think about every time I see the kids, Is her loving on them and our talks of excitement to one day have our own. After all the chaos of tearing into their presents was over and all that remained was a mountain of wrapping paper my friends handed me a neatly wrapped little box titled, To: Jesse,  From: Adrienne. Upon reading this my heart became heavy and started beating sporadically. Through all that she was going through, my wife managed to arrange helping get me a Christmas gift which is by far the most meaningful and important gift I have ever received. I waited until getting home in the solitude of my bedroom. It was a new shiny watch, and by far the fanciest in my collection today. She did not know it but I bought her the Michael Kors watch that she had hinted at so many times the months leading up to December. I did not have the chance to give her this gift, so I felt it was fitting that her Mother have it for Christmas as well as the story behind it. No Christmas will ever be the same without you here, your kind heart, so giving, so loving and full of joy.

Watch in hand, cuddling with your knit blanket I fell asleep in a puddle of tears thinking of you laying next to me.  

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Shock and confusion

I sat up late last night reading cards, letters and sweet words of love from family, friends and complete strangers who have been touched by Adrienne's kindness. It brings my heart some joy in this time of darkness just knowing how much she was loved by so many people, and from all walks of her life, friends new and old, near and far. There truely are no words that could ever explain this, nor take the pain away, but I am and always will be forever greatful for all of your support, and shared fond memories of my wife. I always knew that I found something special when we met, from her contagious smile, her undeniable heart of gold, her sassy side, and her sharp wit. Adrienne was one of the strongest people I have ever met, Not once complained for going through what she was, just taking each and every hurdle without breaking stride. Adrienne was an amazing woman, friend, daughter, sister, wife and now gaurdian angel to watch over us. We talked so many times about how we wished she had met my father Roy who passed 14 years ago Dec 18th. and I pray that she is walking hand in hand with him through the streets of heaven. She would always ask me "do you think he would like me?" No baby doll, I know without a shadow of doubt that he adores you as I and so many other people do. My heart is completely broken, and i feel lost without a sense of direction without you by my side. I woke up today reaching to your side of the bed to wrap my arm around you, and then was hit with a sense of panic. This is a nightmare, it has to be, closing my eyes praying that I was really asleep and this wasn't real. I pray that you know how much I adore you and will have you in my heart always and forever. Please watch over us all and give me strength and courage to carry on. I love you forever