Friday, December 27, 2013

Airport, Headphones, & Scrambled Thoughts

 I wrote this while waiting for a connecting flight to visit a best friend in California. He offered to fly me out to get away from town for a week and try to ease my mind enough to grasp what had just recently become my overturned, unfamiliar and broken life.  For some reason sitting in an airport,  people watching helps me think, write and opens my mind. I see all these people and complete strangers not knowing each other’s past or what hardships they may be going through. All that has happened in this last year has truly given me a different outlook on EVERYTHING in this life.

Dear Adrienne,
Another sun rises, another sun sets, and I am here without you by my side. When I close my eyes I can still see you, your beautiful smile and those sparkling sassy brown eyes so full of love. I still smell your perfume, I still hear your voice, and I try so hard to feel your loving gentle touch. Your memories are the first thing on my mind when I rise in the morning and the last thing I think of when I lay my head down at night.

Together we have made so many beautiful memories, but there are so many we had yet to create. My thoughts are so scattered, my emotions so torn, broken and fragile. You were my best friend, my wife, and my everything. Without you by my side everything seems impossible to handle. There is a void in my heart that only your love could ever fill. Together we have overcome so much since the day we met, our love no doubt stronger now than it ever was. I have day dreamed a thousand times over again about what our children would look like. and It absolutely crushes my heart that I will never get to experience that with you. If we had a girl anything like you I would be in some serious trouble, as she would undoubtedly have me wrapped around her little finger just like her beautiful momma. One smile or innocent look is all it took for you to get what you wanted from me and she would have the same effect no doubt. It was your smile that I fell in love with years ago when we met but  it was your gentle caring heart that made me buy a ring and take a knee. It feels as if we exchanged our vows just yesterday, on that beautiful day in front of so many amazing friends and families. That day was so perfect and brought us both so much joy as well as memories that will be cherished forever.

I have never been a perfect husband, in fact far from it. I do know one thing for sure, I love you more than anything and pray that you have forgiven me for any of my wrong doings, or any times that I may have cause you heartache. I have tried to do my best my love.  I do not want to get used to not having you by my side, to confide in, to lean on when needed and to share all of my happiness or hardships with. I am certain that I will not love like this again, that is how I feel at this very instant at least. I want so badly to make you proud and to still share my love with you as you are watching down. Most importantly I want to live my life in a way that allows me to be with you again and walk the streets of heaven together.
I know that only a few things could become of me and my life after your passing. 1.) I could just completely fall apart and self-destruct going against everything that we believed in. This would be the easy way out. 2.) I could find the strength to make you proud and carry on the legacy of your beautiful heart living my life for God so that we could reunite in a far more beautiful place.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I know what is right and what I need to do. It just makes it so much harder to do on my own without your love and support. I have been reaching out to god for wisdom, strength and guidance but still feel all alone at times.  I feel so bad because all these years I should have been reaching out to him more for the same thing as well as forgiveness, guidance and to just thank him for my many blessings. You made me a better man Adrienne; you grounded me and kept me in check. Please allow me to feel you near me, give me strength to do what is right and courage to continue on without you here with me. I will Love you always and you will forever hold a piece of my heart that I will not get back again until I see you again. I love you unconditionally with all that I am. Until we meet again my love, Forever yours,     Jesse

1 comment:

  1. There will be those individuals who simply will not understand why you continue to love Adrienne the way that you do..and well they simply also have not walked in your shoes..You intended to spend the rest of your life with her and now you have to live with knowing that she is no longer here to live that life with you which I'm sure is very difficult to swallow in fact you don't want to, you can't even digest those thoughts because it all seems so surreal..In your mind, in your thoughts she is still so very much alive and in your dreams if she's been in them she seems so close... so much that you hate waking up from them only to realize it was just a dream..What those individuals don't see are the reasons why you love her so deeply and continue to honor her memory/legacy..From reading your posts I can tell that your Adrienne was a strong woman, one who felt deeply and loved fiercely, I'm sure her tears flowed as abundantly as her laughter! She exemplified what it is to be strong and that is to be both soft and powerful, practical and spiritual..A strong woman in her essence is a gift to the world and how fitting that you are sharing her essence with all of us around the world!