Thursday, February 27, 2014

Plans For the Future...

Today was supposed to be such a special and big day for US and our future. Two years ago I took a new position at work that required a lot of intense training prior to the raise and promotion. I never realized how much I was capable of until this class, but it was what I was working for that gave me this drive and ambition. I was so dedicated to move up and make money to support you and the new family that we talked so much about starting this year after I finished training. I wanted to be able to support you, spoil you, and allow you to quit your job to peruse your PA degree when the time came. With you there supporting me every step of the way through training the sky was the limit. I was so ambitious and spent hours studying away from work.  Test after test, month after month, they all came and went. We started getting excited in November because this was about the time we received an official finish date and we could see light at the end of the tunnel.
That day finally arrived baby, and it is not nearly what I expected it to be because I do not have you here to share it with. We had so many plans together with this raise, from the new house, paying off old debts and planning an amazing 2 year wedding anniversary trip. It is so difficult to even begin to think of being happy about it when I think about the reason I started it all in the first place. You, our family, future and lives together was my drive, motivation and without all of that any raise or promotion is obsolete to me. All of my co-workers are so happy and excited that we finally made it, I’m just happy to be done with training for a while and have a break from it. I knew we were finishing this week and I don’t think this all really hit me until today after seeing the joy and happiness on the face of another co-worker who finished at the same time as me. I should be running outside to call you right now and tell you to pick your favorite restaurant for a celebration date tonight. Knowing you and your huge heart, you probably would have already made plans for a surprise party with all of our friends.  I will probably get off work like any other day and go home and sit there thinking of you like I always do at night while trying to fall asleep for hours. It’s not fare babe, this would be a huge step for us and all of the goals that we made together, and instead it seems like another monotonous day at work to me. I know that you would want me to be excited about this but I just can’t do it right now. This entire thing just slapped me in the face and made me miss you and our life together more than ever.

I backed out of working overtime so that I can book a ticket to surprise our goddaughter Stella for her  4th Birthday. She is having a pajamas and pancakes party. I want to get her a necklace that has your initials engraved on it so that she will remember how much you loved her always and forever. You were so amazing with kids and I was so excited to see you as a mother to our children. I just can’t even stand to think of it because my heart breaks a million times over. I love you with all that I am Adrienne.  Give me strength to find peace, joy and beauty in this world and my life here without you by my side. Sending you all my love . Forever yours, Jess

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Sign or Coincidence?

Today I started the day out with a nice workout at the gym that left me feeling recharged and positive. It made me think of all the weekends when I would roll out of bed well before the crack of dawn to get a workout in, and how you would always try so hard to talk me out of going and to just cuddle for the morning. You won sometimes but I wish I would have given in every time, or that you were here this morning to beg me not to leave and to stay and cuddle. I have been approached in the gym by different members of the boot camp that you were a part of. Every single person that came up to me told me how determined you were, how they never even had a clue that you were going through any of this and how sweet you were. This was no surprise to me at all; your strength, courage and determination still amaze me to this day. You have inspired me so much baby and you continue to do so in spirit.  
I always talked to you about finishing the tattoos I have under my arms but never really finalized any ideas that I came up with.  I decided to finish the additions as a memorial piece in honor of both you and my father who passed away 14 years ago December 18th. The happiest day of our lives is part of the piece, and this day is so much more meaningful and special than the dark day that you left. March 30th 2012, our wedding date is written under one arm. I also incorporated the scripture that we both grew fond of after you were diagnosed. This was also one of my father’s favorite verses, as I saw it in his bible study notes that my mom shared with me. Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”  This very same verse is going to be engraved on the back of the memorial stone I’m designing for the cemetery. This is not your resting place, as I believe you are in heaven so this is just a place for us to go and reflect on your beauty and all of the fond memories shared together. 
This was one of our weekend adventures to Charleston S.C.
Lately all the ideas and things that I feel are on my heart to do in honor of you have been happening with crazy signs, hints or coincidences. After finishing the Tattoos I went to see Blake and Morgan’s new home for a while and visit with “your” baby Jack (who is growing like a weed hooked up to a miracle grow IV). While there visiting, I got a text from the tattoo artist saying she was so touched by the story and was sharing it with her babysitter. Her babysitter asked her “is their last name Dill?” It turns out she was one of the nurses that took care of you in the hospital. Another one that happened this week was in an email between your mother and I. I write a lot now, sharing some of it and saving the rest to a file on my computer to reflect on later down the road. Your mom saw a post that I had written for your Birthday and E-mailed me telling me thank you for loving Adrienne so much and that she loved my writing, that it had so much love behind it. What she told me next gave me the goose bumps… She said you should truly think about writing a book and you could call it “Letters to Adrienne.” Well,  the name of the file that I have on my computer and email account that I save all of my thoughts and writings to is named “Letters to Adrienne,” which was created before she told me this! I pray that these are all signs from God, and from you to help guide me and show me what it is you want me to do helping me to stay the course, and follow the path I am meant to. “I Love you to the stars and back.” I could really use a sweet kiss from my beautiful wife, but if you send me a sweet dream instead I would be more than ok with that. With all that I am, and all of my love, always and forever.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Sky Lanterns

Tonight a group of our close friends and I planned on getting together to do something special  for your Birthday. I spent most of the day with Jerry and one of your favorite little babies Bentley Cooper. That little boy always had a special place in your heart. He is getting so big and is spoiled as ever. After the sun set we met up with Kim and the kids to ride out to the lake and release some lanterns. It was so peaceful this night, nice and cool, with calm waters overlooking the lake from the beach at Spring Lakes. This is where we would always launch our boat for our wake boarding & attempted fishing trips on the weekends. The lake was one of your favorite places close to home to just get away and enjoy its peace and serenity. We lit Sky lanterns and set them drifting off into the night sky, making wishes as we would let them fly. They were so beautiful and in that moment, watching them drift above the lake you loved so much, I felt close to you.  If only I could pause these moments and stay in them forever, to feel you near me once again.  I hope that you saw the lanterns and enjoyed their beauty, as well as heard the wishes made. If I say what I wished for it won’t come true so I’ll keep mine between you and I. Carolyn wished for candy and something else crazy that I can’t recall at the moment. That little girl is still as sassy, cute and smart as ever and uses the batty eyes far too often, but it works on Uncle Jesse.
Thank you for the bit of comfort tonight Love.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

For Your Birthday

Today would have been your 27th Birthday. I always stayed busy during this month as it was the week after Valentine’s Day and there is no way you would be down for a dual celebration so a 2 for 1 gift was out of the question. Usually on your birthdays I would try my best to one up the prior year’s gifts, plans or romance. Sometimes it worked out well and sometimes maybe not so much. I may have jumped the gun early on in our relationship, setting the bar too high when I did the Flowers by a tub for you to get into after work or class while I served you wine and cooked us dinner to eat by the candlelight. Either way, one up successful or not they were all special to us both.
Today I got up early and sat to talk with your mom for a bit. She was reading letters that everyone including myself had posted to you on the internet and was all teary eyed. I’m trying my best to stay strong for her and support her but many times it is a front and I end up crying alone in the bedroom that you grew up in, where I am now staying. I decided to stay with your parents for a while so that we can all support each other right now and I don’t think your mom wants me to leave. ; ) I am just as comforted by their company as they are by mine.
After talking with her I set off to do some special things that I planned for you and in your honor to carry on your amazing giving heart. I contacted a lady in charge of the serving ministry at church a few weeks back and told her that you and I had been planning on going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic sometime in the near future, but with all that happened I could not find the strength to go without you. (our honeymoon was in D.R.) I asked if she knew of any good candidates that needed help raising money to go. She asked the Student Ministries director if he knew of any, not telling him who was asking or the story behind it. The e-mail she sent me next made me cry, gave me goose bumps and at that moment knew that god had put this on my heart. He told her that there was a family, Husband, Wife, and two girls that were wanting to go but could not afford it all. Their mother has been battling cancer and is in the middle of chemo treatments at the moment… Well I picked up two dozen donuts wrote a check for one of their trips and enclosed it with an envelope containing a small letter that I wrote explaining the significance of today. One of our favorite praise and worship songs came on the radio on my way there and I completely broke down and lost my composure, unable to go inside I handed off the card & treats before driving off.
 After leaving the church I went to talk, visit and pray with you at the cemetery. The weather today was absolutely gorgeous! There was what felt like a beach front breeze flowing, with clear blue skies and sun pouring down. If I closed my eyes I could imagine you and I with our feet in the sand somewhere just like we did every summer.
After our visit I went just down the road to pick out a beautiful gravestone for you. This is not something I had been looking forward to, so I had put it off until now and knew that it needed to be done by me. I know that you would say not to spend a bunch of money on this but to me it is special and I want it to be beautiful for you and like you. This is the scripture I chose for the back.

I wanted to sit outside with a cup of coffee to enjoy the gorgeous weather and reflect for an hour or so before putting on a fake act of strength and heading into work which seems more obsolete than ever.  Some days I literally sit and stare at my computer with head phones in in between diligently working, which I never had trouble with until now. It was so much easier to have desire and drive to succeed at work when I knew who I was providing for and what goals WE wanted to achieve in the future. You were forever talking about buying a bigger house and baby we were so close, this year would have been the year for sure as soon as I finished training and got that big promotion.
We were supposed to have many more birthdays together, many more Valentines days together and I will never understand why we won’t have that chance. But until I see your sweet face again Ill be sending my love to the heavens above. “I Love You To the Stars and Back” (Adrienne's line to me). I Love you forever baby doll.