Wednesday, February 19, 2014

For Your Birthday


Today would have been your 27th Birthday. I always stayed busy during this month as it was the week after Valentine’s Day and there is no way you would be down for a dual celebration so a 2 for 1 gift was out of the question. Usually on your birthdays I would try my best to one up the prior year’s gifts, plans or romance. Sometimes it worked out well and sometimes maybe not so much. I may have jumped the gun early on in our relationship, setting the bar too high when I did the Flowers by a tub for you to get into after work or class while I served you wine and cooked us dinner to eat by the candlelight. Either way, one up successful or not they were all special to us both.
Today I got up early and sat to talk with your mom for a bit. She was reading letters that everyone including myself had posted to you on the internet and was all teary eyed. I’m trying my best to stay strong for her and support her but many times it is a front and I end up crying alone in the bedroom that you grew up in, where I am now staying. I decided to stay with your parents for a while so that we can all support each other right now and I don’t think your mom wants me to leave. ; ) I am just as comforted by their company as they are by mine.
After talking with her I set off to do some special things that I planned for you and in your honor to carry on your amazing giving heart. I contacted a lady in charge of the serving ministry at church a few weeks back and told her that you and I had been planning on going on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic sometime in the near future, but with all that happened I could not find the strength to go without you. (our honeymoon was in D.R.) I asked if she knew of any good candidates that needed help raising money to go. She asked the Student Ministries director if he knew of any, not telling him who was asking or the story behind it. The e-mail she sent me next made me cry, gave me goose bumps and at that moment knew that god had put this on my heart. He told her that there was a family, Husband, Wife, and two girls that were wanting to go but could not afford it all. Their mother has been battling cancer and is in the middle of chemo treatments at the moment… Well I picked up two dozen donuts wrote a check for one of their trips and enclosed it with an envelope containing a small letter that I wrote explaining the significance of today. One of our favorite praise and worship songs came on the radio on my way there and I completely broke down and lost my composure, unable to go inside I handed off the card & treats before driving off.
 After leaving the church I went to talk, visit and pray with you at the cemetery. The weather today was absolutely gorgeous! There was what felt like a beach front breeze flowing, with clear blue skies and sun pouring down. If I closed my eyes I could imagine you and I with our feet in the sand somewhere just like we did every summer.
After our visit I went just down the road to pick out a beautiful gravestone for you. This is not something I had been looking forward to, so I had put it off until now and knew that it needed to be done by me. I know that you would say not to spend a bunch of money on this but to me it is special and I want it to be beautiful for you and like you. This is the scripture I chose for the back.

I wanted to sit outside with a cup of coffee to enjoy the gorgeous weather and reflect for an hour or so before putting on a fake act of strength and heading into work which seems more obsolete than ever.  Some days I literally sit and stare at my computer with head phones in in between diligently working, which I never had trouble with until now. It was so much easier to have desire and drive to succeed at work when I knew who I was providing for and what goals WE wanted to achieve in the future. You were forever talking about buying a bigger house and baby we were so close, this year would have been the year for sure as soon as I finished training and got that big promotion.
We were supposed to have many more birthdays together, many more Valentines days together and I will never understand why we won’t have that chance. But until I see your sweet face again Ill be sending my love to the heavens above. “I Love You To the Stars and Back” (Adrienne's line to me). I Love you forever baby doll.
Jess

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