Thursday, February 27, 2014

Plans For the Future...

Today was supposed to be such a special and big day for US and our future. Two years ago I took a new position at work that required a lot of intense training prior to the raise and promotion. I never realized how much I was capable of until this class, but it was what I was working for that gave me this drive and ambition. I was so dedicated to move up and make money to support you and the new family that we talked so much about starting this year after I finished training. I wanted to be able to support you, spoil you, and allow you to quit your job to peruse your PA degree when the time came. With you there supporting me every step of the way through training the sky was the limit. I was so ambitious and spent hours studying away from work.  Test after test, month after month, they all came and went. We started getting excited in November because this was about the time we received an official finish date and we could see light at the end of the tunnel.
That day finally arrived baby, and it is not nearly what I expected it to be because I do not have you here to share it with. We had so many plans together with this raise, from the new house, paying off old debts and planning an amazing 2 year wedding anniversary trip. It is so difficult to even begin to think of being happy about it when I think about the reason I started it all in the first place. You, our family, future and lives together was my drive, motivation and without all of that any raise or promotion is obsolete to me. All of my co-workers are so happy and excited that we finally made it, I’m just happy to be done with training for a while and have a break from it. I knew we were finishing this week and I don’t think this all really hit me until today after seeing the joy and happiness on the face of another co-worker who finished at the same time as me. I should be running outside to call you right now and tell you to pick your favorite restaurant for a celebration date tonight. Knowing you and your huge heart, you probably would have already made plans for a surprise party with all of our friends.  I will probably get off work like any other day and go home and sit there thinking of you like I always do at night while trying to fall asleep for hours. It’s not fare babe, this would be a huge step for us and all of the goals that we made together, and instead it seems like another monotonous day at work to me. I know that you would want me to be excited about this but I just can’t do it right now. This entire thing just slapped me in the face and made me miss you and our life together more than ever.

I backed out of working overtime so that I can book a ticket to surprise our goddaughter Stella for her  4th Birthday. She is having a pajamas and pancakes party. I want to get her a necklace that has your initials engraved on it so that she will remember how much you loved her always and forever. You were so amazing with kids and I was so excited to see you as a mother to our children. I just can’t even stand to think of it because my heart breaks a million times over. I love you with all that I am Adrienne.  Give me strength to find peace, joy and beauty in this world and my life here without you by my side. Sending you all my love . Forever yours, Jess

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