Sunday, March 30, 2014

Two Year Anniversary

Today we would be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary. This morning I went through all of our pictures from that beautiful weekend in Savannah and our honeymoon just trying to relive those moments. Every photo from our wedding album is filled with so much happiness and love that was shared with all of the amazing people we were blessed to have in our lives. I still find myself confused at times looking at old photos or reflecting on memories we made, and think to myself that all of this cannot be real. The pain and void created by your absence is especially hard on days like today. I would give anything to rewind back to this day 2 years ago and relive it once again surrounded by those we love and lost in your beauty. You were always beautiful, but on this day you were especially stunning. I remember the first moment I saw you that day. Blindfolded at the park in the warm sunshine I waited anxiously for our first look. You kissed me before removing the tie covering my eyes and that first glimpse of you will be forever in my mind. I am trying to think of only these positive happy memories today and not be down. Miss you and Love you forever baby. Happy 2 year anniversary.  

Friday, March 28, 2014

Birthday Surprise

Our Goddaughter Stella
An awesome gift from Tim & Melissa
I am currently on a flight back to Atlanta from Seattle, slowly making my way home. It gets harder and harder to leave each time I visit the West coast... Maybe a one way ticket next time would work better...??? I pray about it all the time but until i get a distinct answer I will not be making any irrational decisions although I could say that I have a legit excuse to do so. There are many amazing people we have been blessed to have in our lives here in Georgia that would be very difficult to leave.
 

March 22nd was our Goddaughter Stella's 4th Birthday. I tried to do my best and get her good gifts without having you to help me. This was definitely your department and you always said that I was a bad gift shopper especially at Christmas. I guess you never got over the pair of "grandma shoes" that I got you a few years back. Believe it or not I am getting better at it. Stella LOVES her necklace that I gave her and only took it off a few times while I was in town visiting. I read her the notes engraved on the crystal, as well as the picture frame that I got her. It makes me so happy that she talks about you so much and remembers you. It still hurts though because at times I don't think she fully understands that you will not be here in person to spoil her, love on her and support her as she grows up. We had an Uncle J. and Stella day together like we always do when I visit and I made sure to talk about allot reminding her of all the memories she still has of you. I am amazed at how much she remembers. I will be sure to talk of you often and always keep your memory and love alive to all those you held dear.
 
Playing tourist for the week in Seattle brought back some very fond memories of the times I brought you with me to visit and meet family. The last time we were in Seattle I proposed to you at the Christmas light show in Bellevue. Mom and I went to your favorite Teriyaki place TWO times while I was there and she is now hooked as well. I think it is the garlic sauce because she was pretty much eating it with a spoon. Sorry mom. Mom, Heather and Nathanial miss you so much too and I sense that they are really worried about me.
 
I hiked Twin Falls while I was in town and it was so peaceful, and refreshing. I went off the trail a little bit to sit at ledge about 60ft up overlooking the falls. I sat here quite some time reflecting and praying. The beauty of this place along with the sounds was so comforting to me and it made me feel as if you were right there with me. I listened to some good tunes that remind me of you too so that helped. Overall this was a successful trip and it refueled my heart with love. It still always seems like a temporary fix or high though until I return home without you there waiting for me like you always would be and still should be. I love you Adrienne and my heart is still so broken. Please help me see clearly any answers to my prayers as to what is next.... My mind is still too jumbled to put all of the pieces together on my own.    Jess




 


Thursday, March 13, 2014

Without You...What Is Success...


 

Every time I think long enough about this past year and everything that you went through, that we went through together I still at times don’t believe it is real. I literally have arguments with myself in my head about how it is not real, how it is a nightmare and that I will wake at any moment. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try not to believe it, the truth of my current reality hits me like a brick wall. As I have told you in the past letters, nights are the worst and I often toss and turn begging to have you next to me and then the begging is redirected to prayers to God and eventually I’m waking to my alarm feeling like I slept for maybe a couple of hours. It is like a vicious cycle some days every few hours returning to my mind clouding my thoughts completely throughout the day, and others I seem to keep myself busy enough to where it may be just initially in the morning upon waking, and when I lay down for bed. It is inevitable though at these two times no matter where I am you are and always will be the first thing on my mind when I wake, and last thing before I fall asleep.
Some people have said that you truly don’t know what you have until its gone or taken from you. I say that’s false, I knew exactly what I had when you were here with me and how blessed I was to have your love. When something is taken from you that you care about so much, that you rely on, and share your heart with, your thoughts are scattered and so distorted that you may think that statement is true. I definitely knew what I had; losing it just made me that much more sure about how I felt about you, how much I love you, and how important you were in my life.  That is one of the things that crosses my mind daily as well, wondering if you know how much I love you, and how sorry I am for anything that I have ever done to hurt you. 

I don’t even have the slightest clue on how to explain to people what all I am going through, from my thoughts, to physical exhaustion, anger and sadness. I did not even think that it was possible to miss something so much that you cannot even think straight and your heart beats out of rythm. It takes all that I have in me some days to just focus long enough to put in a day at work. I have recently been thinking of ways to retire early so I can spend what time I have left here with people that I love and doing things that I love instead of working all the time. Money is not important to me, and this job as blessed as I am to have it does not make me as proud as it did when I knew that it was for you, us and our children one day. What is Beauty, Joy, success and happiness without the one you love to share it with? I don’t want all of my writings to be negative but some days I really need to vent and get it all out. It is chilly out tonight and would be perfect for a fire, movie, candle lit sushi date at home with you in my arms. I went through our engagement pictures today and I just closed my eyes trying to imagine being back to that moment in time again. I do this often. I truly do love you and miss you so much. 

Monday, March 10, 2014

"Here I Stand"


“Here I Stand” 
Here I stand learning to walk for what feels like the first time
Everything is so different, difficult, new and unfamiliar
I try to make sense of it all but find no reason or rhyme

Here I stand confused, torn, and broken hearted
Missing your loving embrace, support and presence
A lot of time is spent reminiscing on when our love first started

Here I stand seeking God’s wisdom for guidance and direction
It is all that seems to give my heart peace and ease my mind
So I often hit me knees begging him for his grace and protection

Here I stand with a different outlook on all that I thought I knew
What is truly important and what I value morally & spiritually
My heart scarred but open and accepting to what I know is true

Here I stand trying to do the best that I can to honor your name
Making you proud gives me strength to continue on day to day
Helping me do what is right, stay the course and not lose my aim

Here I stand missing you, holding on to every memory we share
Wishing that I could tell you I love you or feel your touch one more time
I hope and pray that you know just how much I love you, & how much I care
Here I stand Forever & Always unconditionally loving you.




Her favorite place. This is how I will always remember her.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Admirable Strength


 
I talked to you for a few hours last night before finally falling asleep, telling you how much I miss you and just asking to continue to feel your presence. Some nights seem impossible to fall asleep because my heart aches and my mind races continuously. Your pictures still cover the bedroom, and I keep your perfume in the dresser to spray your blanket when the smell fades away. It is so comforting to close my eyes and pretend you’re lying next to me.
I started working out with your trainer and boot camp group last week. I know I always told you that I was opposed to working out in groups but it has been comforting and the workouts have pushed me and given me more drive. Everyone in the class talks about what an inspiration you were, are and always will be. They all loved you so much and admired your strength, though they did not even know the entirety of what you were going through. I am still amazed at your strength baby and although I acted like I had my composure together going through all of this, many times it was a front because I wanted to be strong for you, or at least not show you my weakness. Truth is, my heart broke more each time you had another surgery, recovery, treatment, and it just kept wearing me down more and more seeing you go through all that you did. I am so very thankful that I could be by your side every step of the way but also still very hurt and angry at the scars left on my heart and forever burned into my mind. You of all people, so beautiful, so sweet, kindhearted and giving, I’ll never understand why. I prayed a thousand times over again to take all of this pain from you and take your place. I meant every single word I said and would have whole heartedly taken your place in that fight even had I known the outcome.

Music has been a major support for me these last few months and I’ve been trying to find new uplifting artists and songs to help along the way. It doesn’t matter what genre, artist, or song they all remind me of you, our relationship, and the current situation that I am in without you here.  Tenth Avenue North “Worn” could not hit any closer to home.
“I’m tired I’m worn, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing
 I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let my hope fail
my soul feels crushed by the weight of this world and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all I have left, let me see redemption win

 let me know the struggle ends that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.”

  It is such a powerful song.  I sang it on repeat on my way to work this morning. I have been having some pretty amazing praise and worship sessions on road trips, or any drives in general just trying to reach out to God and let him know that I am seeking him. You always had a great taste when it came to music, and steadily introduced me to new artists and songs that I loved. I feel like some days I hear these exact songs at such a perfect moment and take it as a sign from you. Thank you.

Our Goddaughter Stella the day before her 4th Birthday.
I know she wishes Aunt Adrienne was here to spoil her with me.
Every time she sees Adrienne's picture she gets excited and says
HEY!!! that's Adrienne!  
I booked my ticket to Seattle so I can visit family and surprise our Goddaughter for her Birthday. She is getting so big and so beautiful. I wish so badly that you were coming with me to spoil the kids and spend time with my family. I got her a few things in memory of you so that she will always know how much you love her and that she may always cherish the memories she has of you. I will be sure to spoil all of the kids for you and tell stories to them about you always. This trip is going to be difficult because I proposed to you in Bellevue WA and our 2 year wedding anniversary is the weekend I come home. I know you are with me in spirit wherever I go and in all that I do, but….. Sometimes that to me is not enough and I need you here. One of the gifts that I got Stella is a heart shaped necklace with our initials on it, and another is an engraved crystal heart that says “May you always feel her loving presence and know she is watching over you. You will forever be so special and beautiful to us both. We love you Peanut, Love Adrienne & Jesse.” I remember when I started calling Stella that you got jealous because that is what I called you when we first started dating. You will always be my peanut. I love you always, forever, and unconditionally. XO
Jess