Thursday, March 6, 2014

Admirable Strength

I talked to you for a few hours last night before finally falling asleep, telling you how much I miss you and just asking to continue to feel your presence. Some nights seem impossible to fall asleep because my heart aches and my mind races continuously. Your pictures still cover the bedroom, and I keep your perfume in the dresser to spray your blanket when the smell fades away. It is so comforting to close my eyes and pretend you’re lying next to me.
I started working out with your trainer and boot camp group last week. I know I always told you that I was opposed to working out in groups but it has been comforting and the workouts have pushed me and given me more drive. Everyone in the class talks about what an inspiration you were, are and always will be. They all loved you so much and admired your strength, though they did not even know the entirety of what you were going through. I am still amazed at your strength baby and although I acted like I had my composure together going through all of this, many times it was a front because I wanted to be strong for you, or at least not show you my weakness. Truth is, my heart broke more each time you had another surgery, recovery, treatment, and it just kept wearing me down more and more seeing you go through all that you did. I am so very thankful that I could be by your side every step of the way but also still very hurt and angry at the scars left on my heart and forever burned into my mind. You of all people, so beautiful, so sweet, kindhearted and giving, I’ll never understand why. I prayed a thousand times over again to take all of this pain from you and take your place. I meant every single word I said and would have whole heartedly taken your place in that fight even had I known the outcome.

Music has been a major support for me these last few months and I’ve been trying to find new uplifting artists and songs to help along the way. It doesn’t matter what genre, artist, or song they all remind me of you, our relationship, and the current situation that I am in without you here.  Tenth Avenue North “Worn” could not hit any closer to home.
“I’m tired I’m worn, my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing
 I’ve made mistakes, I’ve let my hope fail
my soul feels crushed by the weight of this world and I know that you can give me rest
so I cry out with all I have left, let me see redemption win

 let me know the struggle ends that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.”

  It is such a powerful song.  I sang it on repeat on my way to work this morning. I have been having some pretty amazing praise and worship sessions on road trips, or any drives in general just trying to reach out to God and let him know that I am seeking him. You always had a great taste when it came to music, and steadily introduced me to new artists and songs that I loved. I feel like some days I hear these exact songs at such a perfect moment and take it as a sign from you. Thank you.

Our Goddaughter Stella the day before her 4th Birthday.
I know she wishes Aunt Adrienne was here to spoil her with me.
Every time she sees Adrienne's picture she gets excited and says
HEY!!! that's Adrienne!  
I booked my ticket to Seattle so I can visit family and surprise our Goddaughter for her Birthday. She is getting so big and so beautiful. I wish so badly that you were coming with me to spoil the kids and spend time with my family. I got her a few things in memory of you so that she will always know how much you love her and that she may always cherish the memories she has of you. I will be sure to spoil all of the kids for you and tell stories to them about you always. This trip is going to be difficult because I proposed to you in Bellevue WA and our 2 year wedding anniversary is the weekend I come home. I know you are with me in spirit wherever I go and in all that I do, but….. Sometimes that to me is not enough and I need you here. One of the gifts that I got Stella is a heart shaped necklace with our initials on it, and another is an engraved crystal heart that says “May you always feel her loving presence and know she is watching over you. You will forever be so special and beautiful to us both. We love you Peanut, Love Adrienne & Jesse.” I remember when I started calling Stella that you got jealous because that is what I called you when we first started dating. You will always be my peanut. I love you always, forever, and unconditionally. XO

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