Thursday, March 13, 2014

Without You...What Is Success...


Every time I think long enough about this past year and everything that you went through, that we went through together I still at times don’t believe it is real. I literally have arguments with myself in my head about how it is not real, how it is a nightmare and that I will wake at any moment. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try not to believe it, the truth of my current reality hits me like a brick wall. As I have told you in the past letters, nights are the worst and I often toss and turn begging to have you next to me and then the begging is redirected to prayers to God and eventually I’m waking to my alarm feeling like I slept for maybe a couple of hours. It is like a vicious cycle some days every few hours returning to my mind clouding my thoughts completely throughout the day, and others I seem to keep myself busy enough to where it may be just initially in the morning upon waking, and when I lay down for bed. It is inevitable though at these two times no matter where I am you are and always will be the first thing on my mind when I wake, and last thing before I fall asleep.
Some people have said that you truly don’t know what you have until its gone or taken from you. I say that’s false, I knew exactly what I had when you were here with me and how blessed I was to have your love. When something is taken from you that you care about so much, that you rely on, and share your heart with, your thoughts are scattered and so distorted that you may think that statement is true. I definitely knew what I had; losing it just made me that much more sure about how I felt about you, how much I love you, and how important you were in my life.  That is one of the things that crosses my mind daily as well, wondering if you know how much I love you, and how sorry I am for anything that I have ever done to hurt you. 

I don’t even have the slightest clue on how to explain to people what all I am going through, from my thoughts, to physical exhaustion, anger and sadness. I did not even think that it was possible to miss something so much that you cannot even think straight and your heart beats out of rythm. It takes all that I have in me some days to just focus long enough to put in a day at work. I have recently been thinking of ways to retire early so I can spend what time I have left here with people that I love and doing things that I love instead of working all the time. Money is not important to me, and this job as blessed as I am to have it does not make me as proud as it did when I knew that it was for you, us and our children one day. What is Beauty, Joy, success and happiness without the one you love to share it with? I don’t want all of my writings to be negative but some days I really need to vent and get it all out. It is chilly out tonight and would be perfect for a fire, movie, candle lit sushi date at home with you in my arms. I went through our engagement pictures today and I just closed my eyes trying to imagine being back to that moment in time again. I do this often. I truly do love you and miss you so much. 

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