Friday, April 4, 2014

Sunny Visit

Painfully, on Adrienne's Birthday in February, I went to design her headstone as I stated in a previous post. This is something that no spouse should ever have to be tasked with, let alone a newly wed doing it for his young bride who would have been 27 this year... Just seeing that age, her birth date, and all of it makes my heart ache and causes so much confusion. Today as I sat next to her headstone glancing around at all of the others surrounding her I wondered their stories, the pain their loved ones went through or what they left behind and couldn't help but notice all of the dates. 1930s, 1940s, some older, and some a little more recent but none as recent as 1987... I am in no way saying that it is easier to lose someone you love because of their older age or any other circumstance. I am simply saying that to me, in my mind, and what I'm feeling is that its not fare and I will NEVER understand it.

The stone turned out beautifully and I ran my fingers across it, over our wedding pictures etched in it, the scripture on the back, and your name numerous times wishing it belonged to anyone else but you. I picked one of your favorite pictures from our wedding that had our both of our rings around the stem of a white rose, as well as a picture of the bouquet you held as I watched you walk down the isle. They are both perfect and add colorful life to the stone.

The sun was pouring down today but there was a nice comforting breeze flowing as I sat talking and praying with you. I played our first dance song on repeat for a while trying to remember the comfort that holding you in my arms brought. I instantly cry every time I visit the burial site but sitting there listening to this song caused another river that seamed to have no end to stream down my face. If only that day we had our first dance I would have had some sort of insight to what the future held... We could have prevented this, I Could have spent more time with you rather than working, I would have surrendered to you rather than arguing at all, I would have held you more and all of the thousands of other should have, would have, or could haves... These tare me apart daily and I find it so hard to block them from my mind.

The last time we listened to that song together was the very last night I slept with you by my side. I had a weird feeling that night in the hospital so I crawled in bed at your side, held your hand, and listened to our song as I slowly drifted to sleep...

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