Saturday, May 10, 2014

Busy Bees and A Pitiful "Sickie"

Well here it comes again... Another start to a weekend that I have no clue as to what I want to do, should do or actually plan to do... The beginning to weekends used to seem so sweet, exciting and brought a burst of energy and life to my attitude at the end of every work week. Now as I sit and ponder on the options of what sort of plans I could make for the next few off days nothing is near appealing as it used to be. Should I sit and relax at home (alone), should I take the top off the jeep and cruise to the warm sunny beach (solo), or should I go and hang out with all the couples that (WE) used to hang out with as the fifth wheel so to speak... I stay busy because I must to keep my sanity, but there used to be a time where I enjoyed the tranquility of our home on a Friday night.  I know many of the "adventures" I take look amazing and I'm blessed to be able to take them no doubt, but in all honesty not a single one of these options are how I want to spend my weekend, and at the end of the day I return home to an empty, cold bed.

I remember at times I used to get stressed out when Adrienne would always make so many plans for us, throughout the week, and all weekend long. I would often say baby why don't we just chill this weekend, or I'm too tired to do that on a work night, trying everything in the book to weasel my way out of it.  Every time I tried to talk her out of whatever plans she had made for us it would typically end in failure. She had a way of getting exactly what she wanted, especially from me. It was that beautiful smile, or the way she pouted when I said no, or maybe the way she would try and wheel and deal with me not giving up until I gave in. Either way I always ended up having a great time doing whatever it was that we had planned and she would look at me on the late night ride home with those big brown eyes and softly say through a big grin, "I told you so."

This post compared to the one where I found bits of joy in buying myself a Birthday gift is a display of the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the last 5 months plus. All I can do is embrace the bits of joy when they come, allow the grief to be released when needed, and as I have said before, take it one day at a time. No one has the instructional handbook to this process, and every one of us traveling this dark, unfamiliar road is doing so at a different pace, different pattern and have different needs.

P.S. I laid up on the couch all day sick yesterday for the very first time without her to take care of me.... Let me just tell you that I was pitiful before, milking all the love and attention from her that I could, but now without her I actually had to man up, suck it up and take care of myself. She was the best at taking care of me when I was a "sickie" as she called it. One more of the many, many little things of beauty that I miss about my wife...

4 comments:

  1. I know how you feel Jesse. Dawn Marie used to pat my bottom and take such good care of me when I was sick. Sounds childish I know, but I miss that. The first time I got sick after she died it the grief became even more overwhelming than it already was. I had forgotten about that until reading your post. God bless you man, I know how hard it is. Thanks for having the courage to share your experiences. It will get better.

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  2. Glenn, The love and affection that we get from our wife is irreplaceable, especially when we are sick. There are so many more little things that I am noticing I miss more and more. I pray you are doing well too and thanks always for your encouragement and support. Have a blessed weekend.

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  3. Thanks for sharing Jesse, So often I feel this way. I lost my husband to melanoma on February 13th of this year; 13 is also a hard day for me. Having the motivation to do projects or enjoy the weekend is hard. At this point, everyone has moved on with his death and then theres me who can't or perhaps doesn't want to move on.

    Thanks for sharing your heart.

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    1. I am so very sorry to hear that Gina. Very simple choices that once came natural seem so hard to make and very uncomfortable. I pray that you find peace, and when you do find it you hold onto it, but also allow yourself every necessary moment to grieve for your Love.

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