Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Five Months

May 13th, this marks 5 months that I have been here without you at my side. Nothing is easier, normal, or comfortable still, yet I have become more used to this loneliness I had not known until now. The 13th of each month is still so painful to me, and I see it approaching month after month like a dark storm front that cannot be escaped. "Pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until in our despair there comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." A very close friend gave me the book "Where is God When it Hurts" while in the hospital on and off for nearly a month at Adrienne's side. I picked it up a few times beginning to read it, but each time set it down and could not find the strength to continue diving deeper into it. Just recently I picked it up again and began picking it apart, reading some chapters twice just to make sure that I grasp its full depth. This is a powerful book and believe that I will be starting it again from the beginning as soon as I am through with the first read.

James 4:14 What do you know about tomorrow? How can you be so sure about your life? It is nothing more than the mist that appears for only a little while before it disappears.

I know nothing about tomorrow, other than the fact that it is not promised, it may bring pain, it may bring joy, but thinking of tomorrow is all too difficult when the weight of today is all I am able to handle.
At the end of another work day I came home to my amazing wonderful In-laws house where I am still staying. We moved in with them when the hospital visits became frequent, the pain became more intense and we needed all the support we could get. I am forever grateful for this second set of parents that I have been blessed with, and will ALWAYS be their son in-law. After our evening dinner and conversation I headed off to my lonely bedroom dropping my bags to the floor before the door closed. I turned on our First Dance Song "Make you Feel My Love" by Adele, knowing that it was going to cause me to break down, burying my face in her knit blanket that smelled of her perfume, I cried for what felt like hours until finally falling asleep. I hope you hear me when I cry to you. Love you always and forever peanut.


  1. As always, you speak to my heart Jesse. For me it was the 12th of the month, and from the first month, all the way until when I left our home and went to go get some help some six months later, the 12th became "death day" for me. I was completely out of my mind and engaging in some extremely unhealthy behaviors, behaviors which only worsened at this time every month.

    My heart goes out to you in this time of suffering and sorrow, I know exactly how you feel. It also makes me grateful however to have survived the grief and suffering, and for the happiness that I have today.

    Hang in there Jesse, God has a plan, and life does get better. It is a gift and a blessing that you and your in-laws have each other right now. It was only at my daughters wedding a few weeks ago that my mother-in-law and I rekindled our relationship. She did not speak to me for nearly three and a half years. Thank you for having the courage to share your experiences with others. Reading your posts help me out tremendously.

    1. As always Glenn, Thank you for your support, kind words, and shared experiences as well. Talking/sharing with someone that cona truly relate so closely helps so much. I am very grateful for my in-laws and always plan to stay close to them. That makes me happy that you all were able to re-connect, and i pray that it helps you both.