Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Random Thoughts, On A Sunny Day In May

The outdoors have always been a means of therapy, and stress relief for me, more so now than ever before. These last few weeks I feel were a complete blur to me and I felt as if I had absolutely no control. Staying busy is all that I know to do to keep my mind from wondering places that it does not need to be. I just ran and ran all weekend only coming home to sleep and know that I need to slow it down at least just a little bit.  It still feels impossible to make decisions that used to be so mundane  or easy to make and I am so afraid of not having plans, that ill end up sitting in my room, sad, alone and drowning in tears or deep thoughts. After years of having her here to make plans with I am trying to adapt to making them on my own, but I often feel incapable of the simplest of choices, stressing out for no reason at all.

Things were so simple, so sweet, easy and seamed to just fall into place naturally when Adrienne was by my side. I miss the comfort that I found in her daily, and how together, things seamed so concrete even though that was not always the case. When we have that person we love by our side 24-7, the one who understands us, that knows what we are feeling, needing or wanting there is an irreplaceable sense of comfort that many of us often or easily take for granted. I myself am guilty of it at times, but never have I in my life seen things from the perspective at which I am seeing them now, and now know better. I could surely use that hand to hold, ear to listen or her caring heart to understand and comfort me.

I am fortunate to be surrounded by so many amazing friends and to have a great, supportive family, but there are still many days where I feel completely alone. I think these are the days where I end up running to wherever the road leads me, weather it be a last minute road trip to the beach, or to visit family out of state. Most of the time I am already out the door and on my way to anywhere but there before I even realize whats going on... This is not to make me forget about the grief, because I will never stop talking about Adrienne, nor stop reflecting upon all of the happy memories we shared together. The grief, the pain, the hurt, loneliness and void I carry everywhere I go and in all that I do. At the moment it is a part of who I am, and although it may change over time it will be a part of me forever. I will not drown in it, I refuse to.  You are dearly missed my love.

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