Thursday, June 12, 2014

Half a Year, and Another Baby Step

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Tomorrow marks 6 months, half a year, and in my mind an eternity since we said goodbye. I only say an eternity because it feels like that's how long its been since the last time I felt your touch, held you in my arms, kissed you goodnight, looked into your eyes, slept by your side, whispered in your ear "I Love You," or had the chance to just Love on you and be loved by you. You cannot replace something like this, nor can time heal it,  but time may make me adapt or become used to this new life before me. The scar will always be there, the dates, the memories, the void created by her absence, always there, and always returning to my thoughts. Half a year?! That does not sound right, it cant be right, but then again I have lost the ability to keep track of time or dates and do not know any better. I am currently using a daily planner to help me keep track of everything, which is something I never had to do when you were here. I'm not saying that I had a perfect memory before, because lord knows that I had to buy  you many flowers in the past to make up for my forgetfulness. They worked most of the time, and brought that beautiful smile to your face, the same one that I absolutely fell in love with years ago.

As I have mentioned previously, I have really been feeling like the next step to heal for me is getting back into my own home, and learning to live on my own again. As much as this scares me, I know that it is what must be done to take that next step, and by no means am I rushing myself or setting a timeline, I simply feel that its time. I don't know how, I don't know why, I just do. Tonight the realtor emailed me saying "congratulations, they accepted your offer!" When I read it a whirlwind of emotions flooded my mind. First some excitement, that I would normally share with you and it would make it so much sweeter and better seeing your joy. It then turned to confusion, is this right? What would Adrienne have said, or thought? Would you love it like I did?  What am I going to do with all the empty space? Its just me, no one else, just me, for the first time in a very long time, I am going to be living alone in a home that you and I have been working for and waiting for TOGETHER..... This confusion changed back to bits of excitement, then bits of sadness, and eventually I convinced myself that it is what's right, no its not going to be easy, and yes Adrienne would have loved it! So along with this date, the 13th, the 6 month mark, a big milestone comes with it as I take this giant step forward into the uncomfortable, lonely, scary and very difficult journey  that has become my road to healing. I miss you more than words can express and wish so badly that we were taking this step together and turning the page to a new chapter in our marriage together. "Love You to the stars and back"

This was taken the day we closed on our first home together. Together, that was a very special day and one that I will not forget.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Restless Night

I lay here in bed, with thoughts of you weighing heavily on my mind. Every night this happens, but tonight more so than usual. I frequently think of all our memories together over the years, and throughout all our different walks through this life. Bedtime is when I especially do this remenosing hoping to relive some of those moments, even if only through a dream. The extra pillows I bought do a lousy job of filling in the perfect fit that you made lying next to me. Jesse's girl came on the radio tonight on my way home so I thought it was suiting to listen to "Brown Eyed Girl." I used to sing that to you all the time when we first started dating.  Lately my thoughts have been too confusing to put into writing or share but for some reason lying here tonight I felt the need to vent. 
Love is a crazy thing. It can at often times be scary, beautiful, confusing,strengthening, uplifting or even sorrowful thing when it is taken from you. There are not many people that I can confide in like I did Adrinne and none that can comfort me the way she did. On my worst days, no matter what the circumstance, her love and support were there to comfort me. The fact that I had all of this in my wife makes me grateful, but now living without these things has proven to be more difficult than before I had ever known or felt them. Lord help me to walk the path that you meant for me to walk, guide me, give me understanding and unbreakable faith in you and your word. Take the bitterness from my heart, and let it not be hardened or isolated.  

Thursday, June 5, 2014

House Hunting

Over 6 months have gone by since Adrienne and I moved in with her parents so that we all had each others support. As stated before I decided to stay a while just because it was very comforting not coming home each day to an empty house. It is just as comforting for my Mother & Father and law as it is for me. We have talked about it numerous times, usually me bringing it up making sure that I do not overstay my welcome, but I have CLEARLY been reassured that is not possible by my kind hearted Mother in law. I started house hunting last month slowly making baby steps, as I believe that buying a new place for me to move into will help me to take that next step in the healing process and adapt to living alone again. It is so hard looking at all of these beautiful homes, as well as trying to make the endless decisions like location, must haves, needs, wants and having the ability to see what it could be like after some decorating or color changes. Adrienne was always so good at helping me make decisions, important or non, big or small, she would always help me make the right one. I think the hardest thing about all of this house hunting is just knowing that this was about the time that we were going to have her dad build us a new home, a home that we would raise our children in one day, and a home that we would have started that next amazing chapter to our relationship in, diving in head first, and whole hearted . We were both looking forward to this very much and talked about it almost daily. I don't really try envisioning the future anymore, but if it does cross  my mind its usually a completely scrambled, unclear and confusing combination of thoughts that makes no sense whatsoever. Since the future is unclear and hard to picture I just make lists of things that I want to do or accomplish and check them off as I do them. Some of these things are long term goals and some of them are short term, but they all help give me something to work towards or look forward to. I have learned that the ambition and drive that I had while working to support and start our family together has dwindled tremendously since these things I have been working for were taken from me. I hope that creating these things to work for/towards help me to keep at least a fraction of that ambition or drive that once came so easily. Thinking of you as always, as well as praying for guidance. I have some tolerable days, I have some extremely difficult days, but one thing they all have in common is that your beauty, memory and love consumes my mind.

A letter Adrienne sent me October 7th, 2009 This was at the time that we bought our First home together.

Hey Babe, 

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you at work today. Love you bunches and cant wait to move into our new place together. I'm very confident that everything will work out. Love you to the stars and back!