Thursday, June 12, 2014

Half a Year, and Another Baby Step

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Tomorrow marks 6 months, half a year, and in my mind an eternity since we said goodbye. I only say an eternity because it feels like that's how long its been since the last time I felt your touch, held you in my arms, kissed you goodnight, looked into your eyes, slept by your side, whispered in your ear "I Love You," or had the chance to just Love on you and be loved by you. You cannot replace something like this, nor can time heal it,  but time may make me adapt or become used to this new life before me. The scar will always be there, the dates, the memories, the void created by her absence, always there, and always returning to my thoughts. Half a year?! That does not sound right, it cant be right, but then again I have lost the ability to keep track of time or dates and do not know any better. I am currently using a daily planner to help me keep track of everything, which is something I never had to do when you were here. I'm not saying that I had a perfect memory before, because lord knows that I had to buy  you many flowers in the past to make up for my forgetfulness. They worked most of the time, and brought that beautiful smile to your face, the same one that I absolutely fell in love with years ago.

As I have mentioned previously, I have really been feeling like the next step to heal for me is getting back into my own home, and learning to live on my own again. As much as this scares me, I know that it is what must be done to take that next step, and by no means am I rushing myself or setting a timeline, I simply feel that its time. I don't know how, I don't know why, I just do. Tonight the realtor emailed me saying "congratulations, they accepted your offer!" When I read it a whirlwind of emotions flooded my mind. First some excitement, that I would normally share with you and it would make it so much sweeter and better seeing your joy. It then turned to confusion, is this right? What would Adrienne have said, or thought? Would you love it like I did?  What am I going to do with all the empty space? Its just me, no one else, just me, for the first time in a very long time, I am going to be living alone in a home that you and I have been working for and waiting for TOGETHER..... This confusion changed back to bits of excitement, then bits of sadness, and eventually I convinced myself that it is what's right, no its not going to be easy, and yes Adrienne would have loved it! So along with this date, the 13th, the 6 month mark, a big milestone comes with it as I take this giant step forward into the uncomfortable, lonely, scary and very difficult journey  that has become my road to healing. I miss you more than words can express and wish so badly that we were taking this step together and turning the page to a new chapter in our marriage together. "Love You to the stars and back"

This was taken the day we closed on our first home together. Together, that was a very special day and one that I will not forget.

3 comments:

  1. My late husband passed away in Sept. 2011. Since he was a minister and we lived in a parsonage, we needed to move. Thankfully, my late husband and I had already purchased a home for our future retirement so my children (8, 11, and 15 at the time of their dad's death) and I did have a place to go. After finishing out the school year where we lived with him, we moved into our home 2 years ago yesterday. For 2 years, we've lived in a house in which he never lived. For almost 3 years now, we have lived without him and this Sunday will be the 3rd Father's Day that my children will be fatherless. I cannot remember how I clicked on your blog but I'm glad I did just so I can say - CONGRATULATIONS on your new home and the excitement you feel for the "next step" and to say I'M SO SORRY that the "next step" doesn't include her. Unless one has been through it, no one really understands that agony of having both of those emotions, excitement and sorrow, at the very same time. And you are right, the pain never goes away. The hope (at least for me) was that it does shift and change over time to be a manageable companion - certainly a sorry substitute for having him in real companionship and I still miss him so much - but at least (for me) it was managable "companionship" when I could start remembering him with smiles instead of agonizing sobs.

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    1. I am so sorry to hear about all that you have been through and continue to go through. I pray that you and your children were surrounded by loved ones this Father's Day and continue to be in the years to come. Thank you so much for taking the time to congratulate me and share your insight. I lost my father when I was 15 about 15 years ago and Fathers Day is still pretty hard for me. He was a teacher and at times preached for our church. I am blessed to have an amazing relationship with my father in law though and I spent the entire day with him. So amazing and uplifting about the point at which you begin to remember with smiles and joy rather than sobs. Thank you again for sharing, these comments as well as support and shared stories help me tremendously. Have a great week!

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  2. Hi Jesse, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife, I cannot imagine the pain, you write beautifully, and I know she is always with you. May God comfort you.

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