Thursday, June 5, 2014

House Hunting

Over 6 months have gone by since Adrienne and I moved in with her parents so that we all had each others support. As stated before I decided to stay a while just because it was very comforting not coming home each day to an empty house. It is just as comforting for my Mother & Father and law as it is for me. We have talked about it numerous times, usually me bringing it up making sure that I do not overstay my welcome, but I have CLEARLY been reassured that is not possible by my kind hearted Mother in law. I started house hunting last month slowly making baby steps, as I believe that buying a new place for me to move into will help me to take that next step in the healing process and adapt to living alone again. It is so hard looking at all of these beautiful homes, as well as trying to make the endless decisions like location, must haves, needs, wants and having the ability to see what it could be like after some decorating or color changes. Adrienne was always so good at helping me make decisions, important or non, big or small, she would always help me make the right one. I think the hardest thing about all of this house hunting is just knowing that this was about the time that we were going to have her dad build us a new home, a home that we would raise our children in one day, and a home that we would have started that next amazing chapter to our relationship in, diving in head first, and whole hearted . We were both looking forward to this very much and talked about it almost daily. I don't really try envisioning the future anymore, but if it does cross  my mind its usually a completely scrambled, unclear and confusing combination of thoughts that makes no sense whatsoever. Since the future is unclear and hard to picture I just make lists of things that I want to do or accomplish and check them off as I do them. Some of these things are long term goals and some of them are short term, but they all help give me something to work towards or look forward to. I have learned that the ambition and drive that I had while working to support and start our family together has dwindled tremendously since these things I have been working for were taken from me. I hope that creating these things to work for/towards help me to keep at least a fraction of that ambition or drive that once came so easily. Thinking of you as always, as well as praying for guidance. I have some tolerable days, I have some extremely difficult days, but one thing they all have in common is that your beauty, memory and love consumes my mind.

A letter Adrienne sent me October 7th, 2009 This was at the time that we bought our First home together.

Hey Babe, 

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you at work today. Love you bunches and cant wait to move into our new place together. I'm very confident that everything will work out. Love you to the stars and back! 
-Adrienne

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