Sunday, July 13, 2014

Month 7 & a New Home

I have been making a list of goals and things I want to do or accomplish to give me drive and motivation to keep working hard & something to look forward to. A half marathon is on that list and since I just turned 30 I feel that the sooner I do this the better as it will not be getting any easier. I found the perfect race, and the absolute perfect location. Rocking Savannah half marathon, it goes around Forsyth park where Adrienne and I were married in March of 2012. We always talked about doing a 5k and maybe even one day, possibly a half marathon together. My family, friends and I ran a 5k in honor of her at the miles for Melanoma run in Augusta GA Easter weekend. It was an amazing experience and I believe that is what inspired me to run a half marathon. The fact that it is in Savannah is icing on the cake. It would mean so much to me to run this in honor of her and hopefully complete it, just as long as I stay diligent with training and put in the work necessary beforehand.

I have found that setting these little goals, or having a list of things that I want to do & accomplish really helps to fill that void that was created when I lost my wife. If we lose all ambition and drive to do the things we love, to get up in the morning, or to better ourselves then we are just taking the easy way out and giving up. Even when I don't feel like doing anything I just think that I may not have that chance again so the opportunities must be taken advantage of.

Today marks 7 months. I wish I still didn't notice this date, but it still slaps me across the face each month. I spent the entire day outdoors, as Adrienne and I loved to do together. After a 6 mile run along the beautiful canal I dropped the top on the Jeep and took a 100 mile cruise with no destination in mind at all. I ended up parking along side the lake and hiking at least 4 miles or so along the shoreline taking pictures as I stopped to soak up the beauty and reflect. As I sat on the edge of the lake I felt a sense of peace come over me that really lifted my spirits. If only it would remain that way always... I have made progress, and can see it some days but the thing that makes me sad and breaks my heart is that I do not want to get used to living without her. I am sure that is a portion of the guilt I have been dealing with but it is the truth. All that being said... I am grateful for the progress that I can see and will continue slowly forward into the unknown, into the future, and towards whatever is next in this life for me. Beautiful days like today are good for my heart, mind and soul as they refill me so to speak, giving me the strength for another week.

Tomorrow I close on the new house... Excitement, Nervousness, Scared, Happy, you name it and I'm feeling it right now. I truly believe this will be a good thing eventually, but at first it is going to be very difficult. Yet another step in this very confusing journey that I am traveling. Adrienne's loving touch, and decoration skills would make this place a home in no time. I did it babe, we did it, the home that we have been waiting for... Just wish you were here to experience it with me. Love always and unconditionally.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Endless Emotions

These last 6, almost 7 months I have been flooded with an overwhelming amount of varying different emotions. Some of them come and go, some linger around uninvited, unwanted and menacing me throughout the day. Many of them I can see progress in my ability to deal with them, accept them or whatever it may be that causes the sting to be slightly decreased to a more tolerable level. These are just a few of them off the top of my head.

This was a sunset I saw last weekend. This kind of beauty
makes me feel close to Adrienne.
Overwhelming flood of emotions causing anxiety, utter shock and confusion,
Sadness, scared and nervous about the future, unimaginable loneliness
numbness and unaware to surroundings or sense of not having control
Feeling the closest to God I ever have, yet a day later feeling so far away.
These are all just a small fraction of the scrambled emotions that I have gone through and still am going through. One of them more frequently on my mind than others...
GUILT.... Guilt for all of the could haves, for all of the should haves, would haves, What I didn't do, What could I have done differently, If only I, or I wish I hadn't said that. Maybe even guilt caused by catching myself having a good time, smiling or laughing, when there is Joy, there is that guilt in the back of your mind making you feel that it is not ok for you to feel this way when your wife is gone, or after all that has happened. A friend I met through this blog wrote about Guilt last week and it spoke directly to my heart, as it is by far one of the things that I still cant seem grasp or control and have struggled with a lot. You start to question everything, thinking even back years ago on little arguments or flaws that you had in your relationship, or your character, even thinking that you could have prioritized better, little less work and a little more quality time together. Maybe its survivors guilt, I do not know. The list goes on and on, continuing endlessly, stealing joy and happiness just like a crooked thief.

Though I know exactly what Adrienne would say, what she would want for me, and what is right, it is just not that simple, and I cannot just make that happen. I pray that a year, two years, or however long it takes from now I am able to think back on the many beautiful memories that we shared and created together, not with a heavy broken heart and tear filled eyes but full of Joy, Love and thanks for having had the chance to experience all of those beautiful things that I so dearly miss.