These last 6, almost 7 months I have been flooded with an overwhelming amount of varying different emotions. Some of them come and go, some linger around uninvited, unwanted and menacing me throughout the day. Many of them I can see progress in my ability to deal with them, accept them or whatever it may be that causes the sting to be slightly decreased to a more tolerable level. These are just a few of them off the top of my head.
|This was a sunset I saw last weekend. This kind of beauty |
makes me feel close to Adrienne.
Sadness, scared and nervous about the future, unimaginable loneliness
numbness and unaware to surroundings or sense of not having control
Feeling the closest to God I ever have, yet a day later feeling so far away.
These are all just a small fraction of the scrambled emotions that I have gone through and still am going through. One of them more frequently on my mind than others...
GUILT.... Guilt for all of the could haves, for all of the should haves, would haves, What I didn't do, What could I have done differently, If only I, or I wish I hadn't said that. Maybe even guilt caused by catching myself having a good time, smiling or laughing, when there is Joy, there is that guilt in the back of your mind making you feel that it is not ok for you to feel this way when your wife is gone, or after all that has happened. A friend I met through this blog wrote about Guilt last week and it spoke directly to my heart, as it is by far one of the things that I still cant seem grasp or control and have struggled with a lot. You start to question everything, thinking even back years ago on little arguments or flaws that you had in your relationship, or your character, even thinking that you could have prioritized better, little less work and a little more quality time together. Maybe its survivors guilt, I do not know. The list goes on and on, continuing endlessly, stealing joy and happiness just like a crooked thief.
Though I know exactly what Adrienne would say, what she would want for me, and what is right, it is just not that simple, and I cannot just make that happen. I pray that a year, two years, or however long it takes from now I am able to think back on the many beautiful memories that we shared and created together, not with a heavy broken heart and tear filled eyes but full of Joy, Love and thanks for having had the chance to experience all of those beautiful things that I so dearly miss.