Sunday, July 13, 2014

Month 7 & a New Home

I have been making a list of goals and things I want to do or accomplish to give me drive and motivation to keep working hard & something to look forward to. A half marathon is on that list and since I just turned 30 I feel that the sooner I do this the better as it will not be getting any easier. I found the perfect race, and the absolute perfect location. Rocking Savannah half marathon, it goes around Forsyth park where Adrienne and I were married in March of 2012. We always talked about doing a 5k and maybe even one day, possibly a half marathon together. My family, friends and I ran a 5k in honor of her at the miles for Melanoma run in Augusta GA Easter weekend. It was an amazing experience and I believe that is what inspired me to run a half marathon. The fact that it is in Savannah is icing on the cake. It would mean so much to me to run this in honor of her and hopefully complete it, just as long as I stay diligent with training and put in the work necessary beforehand.

I have found that setting these little goals, or having a list of things that I want to do & accomplish really helps to fill that void that was created when I lost my wife. If we lose all ambition and drive to do the things we love, to get up in the morning, or to better ourselves then we are just taking the easy way out and giving up. Even when I don't feel like doing anything I just think that I may not have that chance again so the opportunities must be taken advantage of.

Today marks 7 months. I wish I still didn't notice this date, but it still slaps me across the face each month. I spent the entire day outdoors, as Adrienne and I loved to do together. After a 6 mile run along the beautiful canal I dropped the top on the Jeep and took a 100 mile cruise with no destination in mind at all. I ended up parking along side the lake and hiking at least 4 miles or so along the shoreline taking pictures as I stopped to soak up the beauty and reflect. As I sat on the edge of the lake I felt a sense of peace come over me that really lifted my spirits. If only it would remain that way always... I have made progress, and can see it some days but the thing that makes me sad and breaks my heart is that I do not want to get used to living without her. I am sure that is a portion of the guilt I have been dealing with but it is the truth. All that being said... I am grateful for the progress that I can see and will continue slowly forward into the unknown, into the future, and towards whatever is next in this life for me. Beautiful days like today are good for my heart, mind and soul as they refill me so to speak, giving me the strength for another week.

Tomorrow I close on the new house... Excitement, Nervousness, Scared, Happy, you name it and I'm feeling it right now. I truly believe this will be a good thing eventually, but at first it is going to be very difficult. Yet another step in this very confusing journey that I am traveling. Adrienne's loving touch, and decoration skills would make this place a home in no time. I did it babe, we did it, the home that we have been waiting for... Just wish you were here to experience it with me. Love always and unconditionally.

4 comments:

  1. Jesse, you are doing so well, though i'm sure you don't always feel like you are, setting goals is a great way of getting through the hard times, gives you something to work towards. Congratulations on closing on the new home, I know it will be a bitter sweet moment for you, but know that Adrienne will be there with you. xx

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    1. Thank you. you are right, many days I do not feel like it but going back and reading through old posts or journals helps me see that I have. I agree 100% witht he goals! It keeps you busy and gives you a sense of accomplishment that is very uplifting which in return gives you strength to keep trucking. Thank you so much, and I pray you are doing well

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  2. July 13 was 5 months that I have lived without my husband. Life seems to completely start over and you define everything by life before and life after his death. Thanks for sharing your adventure with no plans. I also want to do more of that and enjoy life right where I am and also have things that I can look forward to but it is hard. Today I was biking and it started pouring. I loved it, it was so unpredictable and amazing. Thanks again for sharing your life. It helps.

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    1. It does seem to start over and leaves us without a sense of direction Gina. I still have days where I am very confused and unsure but press through them trying the best I can to stay on track. It is hard to enjoy, or find pleasure in many of the things that we once did because the ones we love the most are not by our side sharing them with us. I can see bits of that joy and happiness coming back little by little and each day that passes. The rains feels like it has the power to wash all of our burdens and cares away, so refreshing and Im so glad that you experienced that. I hope you are doing well as we approach "that date" that we unfortunately share. Tomorrow will be 8 months.

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