Sunday, August 24, 2014

Annual Family Beach Trip

I seem to have let my busy life, moving, healing and "keeping busy" keep me from my writings and posts. So much has happened, so much is going on at the moment that at times I cannot seem to grasp it, or like I'm outside looking down on the crazy busy life that I have been living. Not a lot has changed, or at least that is the way that I feel at the moment. There are many boxes that remain unpacked, most of witch are labeled Adrienne, or wedding stuff, and other random ones that just happened to have something sitting at the top  of the box that I was not ready to see upon opening it. These will remain in my office until I have adjusted enough from this giant leap of moving into a new place on my own. Until I feel that I can handle those loving, cherished and irreplaceable items that were all created through the years of happiness that Adrienne and I shared together, these things that once used to scatter and portray love throughout the house will be tucked away.

I am about two months into training for the half marathon that I decided to run as a fund raiser in Adrienne's honor, to reach out to the community and give back to those in need. Adrienne and I shared a love for children, and as I have stated before, planned on having our own soon.... The money raised this year will be used to purchases iPads to donate to children's hospitals in Augusta, and surrounding areas, specifically to children fighting battles against cancer. There are a few devotional apps and others that I want to have downloaded on them to help give them courage and strength to help them throughout their fight. We have raised enough so far to purchase 3 and our goal is at least ten by Christmas time. The Rock and Roll Savannah half Marathon is the half marathon that I chose to run, and it will be my first. The significance of this particular race is that it runs by the very park where Adrienne and I were married not that long ago. My farthest run to date is 12 miles that I ran last weekend, in 1 hour 44 minutes. I literally think of Adrienne constantly as I run and especially when I feel like quitting or giving up. It inspires me, she gives me the drive and motivation to take it a little farther, to go a little harder, and to push past limits that my mind has created. She will always continue to inspire me to do better, be better and to push on through whatever trials and hard times may come my way. This is the link for the Fundraiser if you feel compelled to share with friends. It means a great deal to me and am thankful for any support shown.

This was our last beach trip that Adrienne and I were able to take together.
We went with some good friends of ours and as always had an amazing time.
I found a journal that Adrienne kept while going through a box labeled Misc..... Before thinking, my back hit the wall, I slid to the floor, opened it as tears filled my eyes, and began reading....... I couldn't stop. These were the words from my wife, some of which had never been shared with me. I felt so close to her reading through these hand written entries, running my finger across each and every page, feeling the intentions made from the ink pen. I was probably lying in bed next to her while she wrote this, maybe had an arm around her as I was sound asleep. I cannot fully describe how this find made me feel. I am not going to share any entries from it at the moment but maybe in the future.

Next week is the Annual Family Beach trip that Adrienne and I always planned for my family. This is another "first" and know that it wont be an easy one, but I cannot wait to be surrounded by family, love and share fond memories together of previous trips we experienced with our beautiful Adrienne by our side. She will not be there this year to make fun of Mine and Paul's sweet dance moves. She will not be there to beat me at rummy at least 20 times while I sneak in maybe 1 win. She will not be there grinning ear to ear with her toes in the sand, music on, listening to the crashing waves with me by her side. She will be there in each and every one of our hearts, and hundreds of other beautiful memories that we have of her and with her though and for that..... I am and will always be forever grateful....

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The New Place and the new quietness that I have not known

So I closed on the new place on 7-21, address 721... My thought process during the entire house hunting experience is not something that I can explain, or sum up in words. It was all far too confusing, hard, weird and out of place. Adrienne wanted, talked about and begged to look for houses for so long and this was the year that she would have been able to make that wish/dream come true. I think for that reason, this whole experience has been a bit more painful, or difficult. Just knowing and thinking about how bad she wanted this makes it so hard for me to enjoy it, BUT..... I am proud of the new place, and have used many of the same decorations that she picked out for the town house we bought before we were married. It is so quiet here, which I expected and knew it would be. I still feel that this was the right choice and headed in the direction of healing. So for now I will continue to be thankful for this house that will be made into a home with time, as well as keep myself busy with many projects.

The moving process went a lot smoother than expected. Amazing friends and family all helped out with unpacking, cleaning and moving. I also received some pretty cool gift baskets from friends and co workers that heard I was moving into the neighborhood.

Many of the boxes that made the move with me have been shoved into the office closet.... To be opened at a later date. These boxes are those that contained nothing but the memories of the life that I had, knew, loved and lived. The feeling that I get when opening some of them, and seeing that picture from 4 years, feeling the emotions from that very moment, are a bit too unbearable for me at the moment.

I have been running a lot lately... It is therapeutic and helps me deal with stress in a healthy way. One thing that has been on my mind for a while is planning a fund raiser to purchase i Pad for kids at the children's hospital in Augusta and surrounding areas. This idea hit me due to the love that Adrienne and I both share for children, as well as the Christmas gift that sat in her hospital room, and she never had the chance to open. Adrienne's coworkers bought her a new i Pad for Christmas, white, slim, with a purple case. I still keep and use this i Pad every day and will always cherish it. I knew that they were buying this for her and kept it a secret. I remember Adrienne begging me to go buy her an I pad on black Friday and not giving up until I said yes.... Needless to say... I went and bought one, knowing that her coworkers had already purchased her one. I miss her stubbornness so  much, even though at times it may have got on my nerves. This same i Pad is sitting in my dresser and is the first that will be donated to a child battling cancer. The Half marathon that I plan on running in November in Savannah GA, where Adrienne and I were married seams like a good fundraising opportunity to try and make this "Christmas i Pads for Adrienne" happen. I have not put anything into motion yet, other then lots of sweat and training but thought of this while running the other day. Let me know if you have any suggestions, thoughts, or ideas for me, as this means a lot to me and would be a cool thing to do in her honor every year.

August brings 8 months... This house will be a home, maybe in more time that it would have taken for you to make it so, but nonetheless it will be a home and I will make it so. Love and miss you more than ever.... Peanut... It is hard to see the where the road leads from here through all of the darkness, but I pray that you are always there to guide me and help lead me in the right direction.    

It has been longer than normal since my last entry... I think the overwhelming flood of feelings and emotions from the move put me in a weird state of mind for a few weeks. Hard to explain but that is how it feels.