Sunday, August 3, 2014

The New Place and the new quietness that I have not known

So I closed on the new place on 7-21, address 721... My thought process during the entire house hunting experience is not something that I can explain, or sum up in words. It was all far too confusing, hard, weird and out of place. Adrienne wanted, talked about and begged to look for houses for so long and this was the year that she would have been able to make that wish/dream come true. I think for that reason, this whole experience has been a bit more painful, or difficult. Just knowing and thinking about how bad she wanted this makes it so hard for me to enjoy it, BUT..... I am proud of the new place, and have used many of the same decorations that she picked out for the town house we bought before we were married. It is so quiet here, which I expected and knew it would be. I still feel that this was the right choice and headed in the direction of healing. So for now I will continue to be thankful for this house that will be made into a home with time, as well as keep myself busy with many projects.

The moving process went a lot smoother than expected. Amazing friends and family all helped out with unpacking, cleaning and moving. I also received some pretty cool gift baskets from friends and co workers that heard I was moving into the neighborhood.

Many of the boxes that made the move with me have been shoved into the office closet.... To be opened at a later date. These boxes are those that contained nothing but the memories of the life that I had, knew, loved and lived. The feeling that I get when opening some of them, and seeing that picture from 4 years, feeling the emotions from that very moment, are a bit too unbearable for me at the moment.

I have been running a lot lately... It is therapeutic and helps me deal with stress in a healthy way. One thing that has been on my mind for a while is planning a fund raiser to purchase i Pad for kids at the children's hospital in Augusta and surrounding areas. This idea hit me due to the love that Adrienne and I both share for children, as well as the Christmas gift that sat in her hospital room, and she never had the chance to open. Adrienne's coworkers bought her a new i Pad for Christmas, white, slim, with a purple case. I still keep and use this i Pad every day and will always cherish it. I knew that they were buying this for her and kept it a secret. I remember Adrienne begging me to go buy her an I pad on black Friday and not giving up until I said yes.... Needless to say... I went and bought one, knowing that her coworkers had already purchased her one. I miss her stubbornness so  much, even though at times it may have got on my nerves. This same i Pad is sitting in my dresser and is the first that will be donated to a child battling cancer. The Half marathon that I plan on running in November in Savannah GA, where Adrienne and I were married seams like a good fundraising opportunity to try and make this "Christmas i Pads for Adrienne" happen. I have not put anything into motion yet, other then lots of sweat and training but thought of this while running the other day. Let me know if you have any suggestions, thoughts, or ideas for me, as this means a lot to me and would be a cool thing to do in her honor every year.

August brings 8 months... This house will be a home, maybe in more time that it would have taken for you to make it so, but nonetheless it will be a home and I will make it so. Love and miss you more than ever.... Peanut... It is hard to see the where the road leads from here through all of the darkness, but I pray that you are always there to guide me and help lead me in the right direction.    

It has been longer than normal since my last entry... I think the overwhelming flood of feelings and emotions from the move put me in a weird state of mind for a few weeks. Hard to explain but that is how it feels.



  1. Hi Jesse! Sorry I haven't checked in in awhile. Congratulations on the closing, that is a big step forward. I'm glad that you are running, it is therapeutic. Kudos to you on the iPads for the kids. Keep on keeping on my friend, you are fine example of allowing God to turn tragedy into purpose.

    1. Thank you Glenn. I have become slightly addicted to running now and the relief it provides along with clarity.

  2. Jessie,
    You are moving in the right direction - forward. It certainly will not feel like it's right or the best for you but what other choice is there? To turn the clock back will never be an option although it's where your heart lives. It will be 2 years in my new home in December. Day by day it gets filled with new memories, stories to share and a serenity that is completely different than I was used to. Choose to be in the moment each day - someday our lives will have meaning again. Thank you for continuing to share your writing and never forgetting what melanoma is about.


  3. Thank you Deb! Slowly but surely, with each day that passes my house feels more like a home. I hope you are doing well and that you are surrounded by loved ones for the holidays.