Thursday, September 11, 2014

Just Another Break Down

Today started off like most others have in my new home. I hit the snooze button a half dozen times until I had just  enough time to wash the sleep from my eyes, throw on some clothes, brew a cup of joe and dash out the door to make it to work on time. Even on these rushed mornings I roll over in my bed and still feel like Adrienne should be there next to me sleeping peacefully as I quietly try to get ready without waking her. It still feels like she should be there for me to gently kiss before I head out the door for work... Nights are still by far the hardest to deal with, and my sleep pattern is still completely out of whack with no sort of normal pattern. I take what I  can get, when I can get it.
  Although the restless nights/sleep patterns have not changed a whole lot I can still see bits of progress with each day that passes. I don't seem to cry quite as much, I'm not nearly as confused, the loneliness is a bit more tolerable and I am learning how to live on my own again which has proven to be a difficult task after having someone there to come home to on those rough days, someone that would always understand you, support you and give you strength.  I still have break downs that completely catch me off guard. Though they hurt and cause many tears they help so much to continue the healing process and after each one I feel a little stronger, a little more courage, a little more faith and rejuvenated so to speak.

Tonight was by far one of the most intense breakdowns that I have experienced in the last couple months. I believe it all started with a heart warming phone call from my beautiful Goddaughter Stella. When I picked up the phone and heard that innocent voice, so sweet and precious on the other end, a huge smile came upon my face. Children have always had this sort of impact on both Adrienne and I. We talk often and on my worst days she can cheer me up and bring joy to my heart. Today she called to tell me that she was starting pre-k and was very proud as she told me all about it along with her new teachers name.  I told her to look for a package in the mail because I had recently ordered her a Cheerleaders uniform for the team she cheers for. Later that day her mom sent me a picture of her in her new uniform with a caption below that read "I didn't know this uniform came with extra sass..." Adrienne used to always put together packages with fun little gifts and send them to the girls, so not sharing this excitement with her just hit me kind of hard today. After receiving the precious picture of our goddaughter in her uniform, smiling proud as can be, tears uncontrollably poured from my eyes until they had none left. Not even knowing it or realizing what I was doing, I began scrolling through old emails from Adrienne, old text messages, as well as old messages from friends offering whatever words of support and encouragement that they could find. When my eyes burned from dryness and felt as if they had nothing left, they continued to pour down tears for quite some time as I sat there reading through these surreal messages that I wish I had never had to receive.

Lately it seems that time has become this unstoppable freight train that is flying by me spinning me around and leaving me somewhat disoriented. At times when we need it to slow down so that we can make an adjustment or try to recover from falling off the path it seems to speed up and leave us in the dust. Though I can see progress being made when looking back,  I still get very consumed in thought and overwhelmed when I think about this concept of time and everything that my life once was, and still should be just passing me by. This feeling gets so overwhelming at times and the only way to shut it off is with a long run to clear my head. At the moment that is a huge outlet for me, it gives me strength, it gives me hope, and it drives me towards that next step.... whatever it may be...