Thursday, October 30, 2014

Dashboard Message For Strength

"Being here without you is like I'm waking up to
only half a blue sky
kind of there but not quite
walking around with just one shoe
I'm half a heart without you
I'm half a man at best
with half an arrow in my chest
i miss everything we used to do
I'm half a man without you"

This is the song that was playing on my radio when I took this picture. My wife had this message on the dash of her car(our family car) so that she could read it every day and be lifted up. Her strength, courage, faith and love are missed dearly but will never be forgotten as they have left imprints on my heart. This is now on the dash in my Jeep and will remain there for years to come as it provides me with strength every time I read it. I will carry you within me forever Adrienne. Thank you for this powerful message but more importantly for the examples of beauty, strength and joy that you showed me through your love and in our lives together. I am forever grateful.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Ten Months

Nearly ten months have now gone by since that December morning that I lost my wife. I often go back through my posts and read them trying to convince myself that progress has indeed been made. Sometimes it is very apparent and easy to see that it has and others not so much. In fact there are other times where i feel as if I am just drifting, drifting from one day to the next, decision after decision feeling at times that i have no control over any of it. These days and moments are not near as frequent as they were 7, 8, or 9 months ago but nonetheless they still exist.

This years family beach trip that Adrienne and I always planned
We decided to take some pictures in her favorite color at her favorite place.
There are some mornings that I wake up and lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about this life, about God, about Adrienne and about how all of this came about or more importantly why. Why? Such a simple word and question but at the same time it can be our worst enemy if we let it steer our thoughts deeper and deeper to darker places that they should not be venturing. I instead "try" my best to have faith and continue on one day at a time focusing only on the moment before me, forgetting yesterdays mistakes or struggles and not worrying about what difficulties may lay before me in the days to come. "Welcome every day with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let you first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail." This quote helps lift my spirits on some of the harder mornings when I cant seem to start out on the right foot, or start out at all and would rather lay in bed all day.

The beach was our favorite place to go together.
I felt her near me this trip with every rising and setting of the sun.
If this step of moving into a new home was in fact taken with my wife like it should have been, how would the place look? Would the house smell of a newborn as we welcomed our first child into this world becoming new parents? Would we be in this house at all or would we have chosen a different one? There are so many questions that will forever flood my mind and that I will never know the answers to. When I find myself falling deep into a state of sadness wondering the answers to all of these questions I try to go through old photo albums looking at all of the love and life that we shared together. We had so many adventures, so many milestones were achieved together hand in hand throughout our relationship. There is always good in any situation in our lives, weather we chose to see it and be thankful for it is up to us. "Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper."

I set down the books and reading for a month or so when I moved into the new house but have recently picked it back up. I missed it more than i knew, the strength it gives my soul and lifting me up with encouraging words to help move my foot guiding it along that next step. "A Better Way to Live" by Og Mandino is the latest one i finished, and started re-reading it the very next day. Along with reading, running, lifting, and home improvement projects have proven to be a rock solid support system for me at the moment. The half marathon is fast approaching and is about a month out now. Looking back at when I could only run a couple of miles up to now truly gives me so much drive and has proven to me that we are so much more capable than we will ever give ourselves credit for.

One more month, one more day, one more step in this journey that I did not choose. Your love continues to motivate and inspire me Adrienne. Inspiring me to do better, be better and continue on even when I do not have a clue as to what i am doing. "Love you to the stars and back" sweet heart.