Friday, October 3, 2014

Ten Months

Nearly ten months have now gone by since that December morning that I lost my wife. I often go back through my posts and read them trying to convince myself that progress has indeed been made. Sometimes it is very apparent and easy to see that it has and others not so much. In fact there are other times where i feel as if I am just drifting, drifting from one day to the next, decision after decision feeling at times that i have no control over any of it. These days and moments are not near as frequent as they were 7, 8, or 9 months ago but nonetheless they still exist.

This years family beach trip that Adrienne and I always planned
We decided to take some pictures in her favorite color at her favorite place.
There are some mornings that I wake up and lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about this life, about God, about Adrienne and about how all of this came about or more importantly why. Why? Such a simple word and question but at the same time it can be our worst enemy if we let it steer our thoughts deeper and deeper to darker places that they should not be venturing. I instead "try" my best to have faith and continue on one day at a time focusing only on the moment before me, forgetting yesterdays mistakes or struggles and not worrying about what difficulties may lay before me in the days to come. "Welcome every day with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let you first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail." This quote helps lift my spirits on some of the harder mornings when I cant seem to start out on the right foot, or start out at all and would rather lay in bed all day.

The beach was our favorite place to go together.
I felt her near me this trip with every rising and setting of the sun.
If this step of moving into a new home was in fact taken with my wife like it should have been, how would the place look? Would the house smell of a newborn as we welcomed our first child into this world becoming new parents? Would we be in this house at all or would we have chosen a different one? There are so many questions that will forever flood my mind and that I will never know the answers to. When I find myself falling deep into a state of sadness wondering the answers to all of these questions I try to go through old photo albums looking at all of the love and life that we shared together. We had so many adventures, so many milestones were achieved together hand in hand throughout our relationship. There is always good in any situation in our lives, weather we chose to see it and be thankful for it is up to us. "Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper."

I set down the books and reading for a month or so when I moved into the new house but have recently picked it back up. I missed it more than i knew, the strength it gives my soul and lifting me up with encouraging words to help move my foot guiding it along that next step. "A Better Way to Live" by Og Mandino is the latest one i finished, and started re-reading it the very next day. Along with reading, running, lifting, and home improvement projects have proven to be a rock solid support system for me at the moment. The half marathon is fast approaching and is about a month out now. Looking back at when I could only run a couple of miles up to now truly gives me so much drive and has proven to me that we are so much more capable than we will ever give ourselves credit for.

One more month, one more day, one more step in this journey that I did not choose. Your love continues to motivate and inspire me Adrienne. Inspiring me to do better, be better and continue on even when I do not have a clue as to what i am doing. "Love you to the stars and back" sweet heart.

2 comments:

  1. I'm a month and a year ahead of you... It does get easier for more and more days, although there are times that you have setbacks. My brother got married today and that was hard on lots of different levels. I'm super happy for him but I think of my daughter who will not have a dad to dance with her at her wedding. I think of us at that beginning, not knowing that our time would be cut short.... So there were tears today and lots of prayers in my heart. I don't ask why anymore... It gets me no where. Instead I ask what am I to learn. Today, I know that I need to feel loneliness sometimes so that I can better help other people. I know that Satan tries to get me down and discouraged so I won't do good. I know that life exists beyond this temporary mortal journey and that we will be together again. I know that there is a bigger picture and purpose for both of us to learn from this separation and to do good things. I was reminded all of this today and it helped. Tomorrow will be better, I will
    Choose not to be discouraged. Pray and then more forward is the best that I can do.

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    1. There is so much truth in your words Veronica. I learned quickly that the most painful and difficult steps we take will ultimately be the most rewarding in our walk to healing. I also embrace the whirlwind of emotions and allow myself to feel them, experience them and deal with them. I think it's healthy even though falling asleep in in a puddle of tears is not what we desire. I totally agree with you, there is a bigger picture and good must come of these tragic situations. baby steps. I hope you have an amazing day!

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