Thursday, November 20, 2014

Tis The Season....

Thanksgiving 2010 Seattle WA. We got engaged.
Here comes the Holiday season approaching swiftly and bringing with it many painful memories from last year. I have been very anxious with each day that passes, month that ends and as each new one begins. It is now November and I'm trying to figure out how in the world it is already here. Thanksgiving dinner and fellowship with family and friends is next week, with Christmas following shortly after. It is so difficult to be excited or joyous about all of the festivities that these months bring when they also carry the heavy burden in the form of the heartbreak and pain from the prior years loss. I am doing all that I can to stay thankful for what I have and for the amazing people that I will be surrounded by.

As I prepare for the holiday travels to be with family I cant help but feel a little bit like a loner. Surrounded by married couples with children, discussing hopes for more in the near future, meeting a newborn nephew for the first time, and seeing all of these new little families developing is so bitter sweet that I cannot even describe it. This is what we had, what we lived for, all our plans, aspirations and what we should still have today sharing the excitement alongside our families. At times I feel like I have become an expert at wearing a smile as a mask to hide that pain that dwells within. I have always been one to be  happy with and for all friends and family as their dreams come true, goals achieved and hardships tackled. Lately it has made me upset that thoughts of anger could even sneak in and make me ask why all that has been done and overcome in my relationship with Adrienne was taken away. At this very moment on the roller coaster ride of emotions I feel that I am temporarily in a valley or low spot very sad at the thoughts of spending another holiday season without Adrienne. Like all the other lows and struggles I know that this too will pass and that I will overcome eventually but I don't want to have these negative thoughts or feelings taking away from love that my family surrounds me with.  I almost feel guilty at times for it even knowing that it is not always in my control.

The Garden De Lights where I proposed to Adrienne
In all of our darkest days and severe hardships there is still so much more to be thankful for. This is what I continue to tell myself to try and drown out those thoughts and sadness. Tonight I am catching a flight to Minnesota to be with my family for Thanksgiving and meet my baby nephew for the first time. Another escape from Augusta, another trip to recharge and soak up all of the love from family and friends. This is what I am thankful for...

The last time I flew Adrienne to Minnesota she was visiting a good friend from college who had recently moved there with her husband. This same couple is expecting a baby boy and will be having him while i am in town. I am so excited to meet him and give him some love for both Adrienne and I, as I know that she would not have  missed this moment for anything.

Finding beauty in the storm is a gift that if mastered would make us much better individuals. My wife Adrienne had an ability to do this that was almost as infectious as that perfect smile of hers.

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