Saturday, December 13, 2014

1 Year And Cloudy Memories

In this life we will not walk the path that we paved for ourselves. There WILL be detours and many bumps in the road trying to lead us astray. How we navigate these obstacles or hardships will determine the outcome and if they will strengthen us or beat us down. 

This weekend I got to Kiawah Island for packet pickup and was greeted by two very sweet ladies volunteering at the expo. They had set my packet and bib aside because it was a special gift bag full of goodies, a Christmas card, running gear, and a personally signed card by all of the staff. 
Huge thanks, love and hugs to the Kiawah Island Marathon staff for taking the time our of their crazy hectic schedule to do this. This gesture really touched my heart and made this weekend that much more special to me. Saturday morning at the run, everything, everyone just seemed to be drowned out as I put on my music and slipped deep into thoughts and memories trying to direct them towards those of a more positive nature. Miles 1-10 are pretty much a blur to me as I was so zoned out thinking of Adrienne, this last years hardships, and the years before that that we shared and created so many memories. I cannot think of a healthier, more uplifting, satisfying way that this day could have been spent. Throughout the entire run I just kept talking to Adrienne, pushing a little harder and feeding off the display of strength, courage and Faith that she had as she battled for her life. Flooded with these thoughts there was no way that I could leave an ounce of energy on the trail but rather give all that I had until the end. 

The high of the run, the weekend away and staying busy really helped get through this day and I am so glad that this opportunity was put before me. Returning home after the dust settles and all dies down was a bit difficult for me. This was a painful realization that just because the 1 year mark is now in the past that this journey is not going to be any easier. It does not put the loving company of my wife back in my home, her warmth back in my bed nor does it mend the broken hearts from her absence. There is one thing that this date, time frame or anniversary does do though and that is allow me/us to be grateful for what we have overcome. Although this is so SO much easier said than done, just looking back 1 year ago to complete mess that I was I honestly never thought that this day would come with any thoughts of joy whatsoever. I was wrong. Today, 1 year after losing my wife, I am able to think of her memory with more joy rather than pain. The pain is still most definitely there, very real and very deep but it is not so overwhelming that it controls my thoughts filling them with negativity. Looking at all that has happened in this 1 year I find many of the moments a blur, like I was just going through the motions to get through each day. This year was exactly like an Ocean, at times the waves were crashing over time and time again leaving me barely able to keep my head above the water for air. At other times it seemed calm and peaceful allowing me to catch my breath and recharge for the next "struggle" or phase of grief. The memories of you are still very defined and clear and that is all that matters.  This one year gone is just the first of many that your legacy, beauty and loving heart will be shared with many people continuing to touch lives. Love you Forever 

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