Monday, December 8, 2014

Weekend Thoughts

Today was an absolutely beautiful day. The sun was shining bright casting  its warm glow on all it touched. Thoughts of you have been heavily on my mind as the holiday season approaches, bringing with it some painful memories from the year passed. I cant even grasp the fact that it is now December, that nearly a year has gone since we lost you. The anxiety of the fast approaching dates has been unbearable at times.

Around this time last year we were living with your parents as we were constantly in and out of the hospital for appointments, treatments, scans, tests and many other overnight stays. Around the 6th of December was when that hospital room became our little one bedroom apartment to unknowingly spend our last moments together side by side, hand in hand. Many of those nights after all of the visitors had left I would lay by your side and play our favorite music or go through photos from all of our amazing experiences shared throughout the course of our relationship. The pain i felt then is still very real and so deep. I never let you see me cry or showed my fear as I thought my weakness may scare you and that is the very last thing that I wanted.

I do not question the events that took place nearly as much now as I did months ago but I do wish that I could just lay there by your side and talk with you for one last time, to comfort you, hold you and just be in your presence. I have still been struggling with guilt, some call it survivor's guilt but whatever it is, I do not enjoy it as it clouds my mind and alters my ability to make decisions. Slow and steady is what I continuously tell myself when i feel overwhelmed and even if I have to crawl to keep trekking forward then so be it.

This week we are ordering all of the tablets with the money raised from the fundraiser in your honor. The outcome was amazing and seeing it all come to fruition brings so much joy to my heart. At times it seems that little acts of kindness in this great big world do not make a difference or reach out and touch peoples hearts. If we all had that mentality thinking that "it wont make a difference" how dark and sad would that be? If one person is touched from this, one family, one child brought hope or joy at all then it was worth it! Your kindness lives on through the hearts of all our friends, our family and the many others that you impacted in the 26 years you lived your life. You made a difference and continue making a difference even when you are not here. Please give us all strength this holiday season to get through with thoughts and joyful memories of you on our minds rather than sulking and flooding our pillows with tears. Thank you for loving me as you did and thank you for making me a better man.

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