Monday, March 30, 2015

3 Year Wedding Anniversary

Today marks what would have been 3 years of marriage shared together. Its so hard to believe that our wedding day was 3 years ago today, but its even harder to grasp the fact that of those 3 anniversaries, we only had the opportunity to share 1 together. Adrienne was diagnosed the month after our 1 year anniversary, little did we know that was the first and last anniversary we would share side by side.

I spent all morning going through our old wedding pictures and trying to find comfort in those beautiful memories. More so today than normal my mind drifts back to some of those painful what ifs that we often ask ourselves when questioning a situation or outcome to hardships in our lives. "What if she was here to celebrate today? Would we have had our first child by now? Where would we live and what all would have changed?" These questions keep repeating themselves over and over again, only to be answered by the silence of my deep thoughts. These things that once used to be so concrete and sure in my life are now just unanswered questions, the "whys or what ifs." I have gotten much better with dealing with the negative thoughts and trying to question things I am incapable of controlling but today's significance makes that an unachievable task.

I remember so many details of our wedding day as if it happened just yesterday. One that frequently comes to mind is our "first look." I was blindfolded and guided to a park outside of our hotel room where I would wait for Adrienne to arrive in her wedding dress. The first thing I felt was her hands grabbing mine, and then her soft kiss. I will never forget the moment she removed the tie that was covering my eyes, revealing how stunning she was in her beautiful white dress. Her smile ear to ear, I remember just a little shake in her voice due to the nerves of the days events. I whispered in her ear that I love her and that it was just her and I, that it would always be her and I. It is extremely difficult without you here by my side and the simplest of choices still carry much more burden than they ever did before.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Face of Adveristy

Adrienne and our frends daughter the sweet Caroline
Looking back at this last month that has passed I feel as if my life was living me and that in the blink of an eye it was over. My work schedule was more hectic than normal as I was out of town working 72 hours a week on night shift. Work, sleep, eat repeat... I have missed the comfort and release that I get from writing or sharing thoughts. It truly has been a tremendous help in the healing/grieving process and prevents me from keeping things bottled up.

While working out of town I received some very troubling news about a recent diagnosis of a close friend of mine back home... This diagnosis hit me pretty hard as it was all too familiar and weighing heavy on my heart. I read the message from this friend over and over again hoping that I misread it or that it was simply not true, wondering how, why and all of these same questions that I struggled with in the past as my wife and I went through the fight against cancer. That word is just so piercing and frightening that when I read it in the message I received, my heart sank. Then I realized that we must not let that word or that disease have that much power or its like we've given up before the battle has even begun. I am not sure if it was from being away from home so long or from this hard to swallow news but upon my return home I went into a deep cleaning mode for hours on Thursday night staying up until about 4 a.m. until there was nothing left to do. I honestly did not realize how much I had done until I finally retired, curled up in a ball on my couch.
Great couple, Great friends, amazing people
This is the same friend that stood by my wife's side during her entire battle against Melanoma. She did more for us than I could ever have asked of even a family member and I am forever grateful. I just pray and hope that God gives me the strength, wisdom and courage to be an uplifting rock of support for her and her husband to be, as they fight this. They are to be wed next month and I am honored to stand by their side as they exchange their vows and begin their life as a married couple with strength and courage in the face of adversity. Prayers and love to you both and know that you have an angel looking over you as well as a friend here for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, hand to hold, any day, any time, anywhere.