Saturday, May 30, 2015

A Special Visit

 For the past year and a half I have begged and pleaded to have a visit or vivid dream of Adrienne. I have wanted this so badly just because I never want to forget anything about her and also because loneliness has been a bit overwhelming on year 2 of this unfamiliar road. It is not from the lack of great friends and family support but rather partially self afflicted I think due to travels or the constant need to keep  myself busy. (Well that on top of the absence of her touch.)  In the hustle and bustle of keeping busy I seem to neglect some dear friends and family members not at all on purpose but simply because I just don't know what else to do so at times I take the easy way out and leave town. There are many evenings when I would give anything to just have someone there to watch TV with, to talk with  or just sit there in silence to extinguish that loneliness & there are others that I just want to be alone to sort through thoughts.

Dating is a very weird, scary & awkward word for myself as well as other close friends I have met who all share the widowers or widows journey. I have been told that it is like bath water, test it by slowly easing in and if discomfort is felt then abort. Easier said than done is the first thing that comes to my mind when people tell me that Adrienne would want me to be happy, or that she would want me to date again. I would love to one day re marry, to have children, to be a father and to love again but when do you know for certain that you are ready. At the expense of how many people will it take you to learn that you are not ready or that you are ready. I know that I have a valid excuse as to why I am not ready for a serious relationship but could this possibly be prolonged and used as an excuse longer than necessary? All these questions run through my mind on a day to day basis. I do not want to be that guy who fills the void, the loneliness with a temporary fix at the expense of another persons feelings or heart.

I am completely scatter brained today but unfortunately I have learned to embrace it because these days come frequently. : ) So back on track about wanting, wishing, praying and hoping for a visit from my Adrienne. She finally came to me on Thursday, May 28th two nights ago as I slept. I woke from this dream with an enormous smile on my face and so much love in my heart which quickly faded when I rolled over and realized that it was in fact just a dream. I could not sleep much the rest of the night and lay there thinking about how thankful I should be that she came to me instead of the instant sadness that overcame me when the dream ended and my eyes opened. For the rest of the night I laid there thanking her for visiting and that it gave me so much strength & peace to press forward. The smile on her face was far more beautiful than the one captured in the photographs that are scattered throughout the house.
Thank you love. I truly needed that