Friday, July 31, 2015

Dinner Date With the In Laws

The last month and a half have flashed before my eyes and I have been left with this massive feeling of guilt for not seeing so many people that are so important in my life. Tonight I went to dinner with Adrienne's parents and my forever second set of parents, my amazing In Laws.

With all of the traveling and visiting trying to please everyone or see everyone I have not spent as much time with them as I would like to. We met tonight at a Mexican Restaurant for dinner... Adrienne's favorite next to Japanese or Chinese takeout. Every time I see her mom I see Adrienne's beauty and every time I see her dad I see her strength, determination and stubbornness. Seeing them now like any other night is just like meeting family for dinner but for some reason tonight hit us all a little harder than normal. The unpredictable waves of grief had struck at a moment that we did not expect... at all... It has been over a year and a half since we lost her but that does not mean that anything is easier. There may be longer periods between the waves of grief but when they do hit, they seam to hit extremely hard and full force.  Its almost as if I feel guilty for not having had a cry session or breakdown for a longer period of time. Like I always said, when that wave comes, embrace it, breakdown, cry, let it out and ride it out until you are able to feel a sort of piece again.

After squeezing my in laws goodnight I left for home, knowing exactly what kind of night it was going to be. I grabbed all of our photo albums and plopped down on my bar stool and after staring at them for a brief moment, I opened and began flipping through, page by page. With each page came another memory, with each memory came another tear, one by one they fell like rain until I felt as if I could not cry anymore. After a phone call to one of my amazing brothers to vent a little more and get some things off my chest I was finally able to feel at peace enough to get some rest. Though these moments suck, and are full of pain, embracing it allows me to get it out and afterwards I feel much better. One more wave overcome with my head still above the water. One more step... 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sorting Through Memorabilia

Since moving into my new home just over a year ago, I have had an entire closet of boxes that I avoided opening and sorting through due to their contents and the pain it could bring. These were assorted items from our wedding day, from our first home together, pictures from the many years we spent together and other assorted memorabilia that I had not found the strength to go through since I lost Adrienne. These items to me represent our entire life together, from movie ticket stubs I saved from our very first date up to some of the last notes that I received from her.

Somehow this evening I mustered up the courage to dive into this closet of towering boxes, opening them one at a time. While listening to music I slowly sorted through each one, reading old cards, looking at photos and trying to relive some of those moments or memories that we shared together. We looked like babies when we first started dating and what started as a puppy love developed over time, into something very special that I am forever grateful for having had the opportunity to experience.

I found an old visor CD case with Adrienne's personally created play lists and started listening to them. Just about every CD contained a song or two from Incubus, Graham Colton Band and Lady Antebellum. These songs took me back to one of the very first nights we hung out together, sitting in the car listening to her music and talking for hours. I also came across some old notes and even some poems that I would text her throughout the day just because she was on my mind. I did not know it but she wrote them on post it notes and I found a handful of them mixed in with her college study material. All of these moments and all of these memories up to the very last time that I held her hand will forever be burned into my mind. Although it has gotten a little easier to find joy in all of these sweet little memories it is still so very hard to keep going on without the one person I needed by my side the most through this journey of life. One day at a time, One step at a time. Focusing on each baby step prevents becoming overwhelmed so this is what I will continue to do for as long as it takes.