Friday, July 31, 2015

Dinner Date With the In Laws

The last month and a half have flashed before my eyes and I have been left with this massive feeling of guilt for not seeing so many people that are so important in my life. Tonight I went to dinner with Adrienne's parents and my forever second set of parents, my amazing In Laws.

With all of the traveling and visiting trying to please everyone or see everyone I have not spent as much time with them as I would like to. We met tonight at a Mexican Restaurant for dinner... Adrienne's favorite next to Japanese or Chinese takeout. Every time I see her mom I see Adrienne's beauty and every time I see her dad I see her strength, determination and stubbornness. Seeing them now like any other night is just like meeting family for dinner but for some reason tonight hit us all a little harder than normal. The unpredictable waves of grief had struck at a moment that we did not expect... at all... It has been over a year and a half since we lost her but that does not mean that anything is easier. There may be longer periods between the waves of grief but when they do hit, they seam to hit extremely hard and full force.  Its almost as if I feel guilty for not having had a cry session or breakdown for a longer period of time. Like I always said, when that wave comes, embrace it, breakdown, cry, let it out and ride it out until you are able to feel a sort of piece again.

After squeezing my in laws goodnight I left for home, knowing exactly what kind of night it was going to be. I grabbed all of our photo albums and plopped down on my bar stool and after staring at them for a brief moment, I opened and began flipping through, page by page. With each page came another memory, with each memory came another tear, one by one they fell like rain until I felt as if I could not cry anymore. After a phone call to one of my amazing brothers to vent a little more and get some things off my chest I was finally able to feel at peace enough to get some rest. Though these moments suck, and are full of pain, embracing it allows me to get it out and afterwards I feel much better. One more wave overcome with my head still above the water. One more step... 

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