Monday, November 2, 2015

Moving forward vs. Moving on

For someone who has lost a significant other, moving forward can easily be mistaken for moving on. Moving on is leaving it behind you and forgetting it, the raw emotions the emotional baggage, the memories and just acting like it never happened. Moving forward to me, personally, is pressing forward day by day with these experiences (good or bad), memories, scars and life lessons at my side, in my heart & forever helping guide my future decisions.  These will forever be a part of you for the rest of your life molding you and influencing your every decision. What kind of influence they have on you... well, that's entirely up to you. I have experienced both sides.

Adrienne with her bridesmaids
I choose to move forward not only for me but for my family, my friends and for Adrienne because I know that this is what she would want, as it is what I would want for her. Moving forward does not mean in any way, shape or form that I am moving on, leaving everything behind me because this simply is not the case. For the rest of my life I will carry that label "widower," as well as the scars it came with, but also the priceless lessons it has taught me. Many times I have heard it said that " A person who has found their way out of the darkness of  trials, hardships, loss & heartbreak has a view or outlook on life unlike any other person who has not experienced such heart wrenching pain." This has proven to be true in my life without a shadow of a doubt. All of our pains and afflictions are not meaningless and for nothing, they will forever be inside of us influencing every single decision we make in our futures.

When is it OK to take that next step or leap forward. A huge and uncomfortable topic.... "When Can I or Should I start Dating again?" Wow, it was hard to even type that out... It is extremely difficult to understand or figure out the thought process on this topic but as of late I am starting to feel a little more comfortable with the thought of it as well as finding joy in the possibilities of a future filled with that same love and happiness that I shared with Adrienne. There is no time frame for this, no right or wrong time but it will be much different for all circumstances. It has been very hard for me to open up fully to anyone since Adrienne's death and I have struggled with "survivors guilt" or whatever you want to call it, a great deal. I want to know that I am not only ready for but also deserving of that love again, to know that I will be capable of whole heatedly loving again without holding back, no limitations or restrictions. Through out this process I at times can be my own worse enemy, overly heard on myself & over analyzing every situation. I do know one thing though, the mere fact that I am writing about this shows that I am that much closer and this brings a smile to my face.