Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Dear Adrienne,

Dear Adrienne,

I'm finding it difficult to place words in order to compose this letter, as my mind is flooded with all the thoughts and events that have taken place over these last two years. Since you've been gone life's been a crazy whirlwind, at times spinning out of control, at others abnormally calm changing from one extreme to another day after day & without warning. Two years feels like an eternity to go without seeing your best friend, wife & partner through every decision, hardship or celebration. Its best described in a quote I found, "Grief is like an Ocean, It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. sometimes the waters calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." 

Looking back through old letters, posts and memories helps me put a lot into perspective. From when it all started, December 12th 2013. I crawled into your hospital bed made for one, playing songs by your side all through the night. I had an indescribable feeling come over me that night, almost like you were trying to tell me something. Maybe it was one final I love you or maybe you were trying to say goodbye. I find peace in knowing that the last night I had with you, we were side by side & with your hand in mine. Looking back now, there are many things that I can find peace in that I was incapable of before because I was blinded by grief and for that I am grateful.

Very frequently I find myself wondering what life would be like if I still had you here to share it with. Would we have bought a home in a totally different neighborhood, had your father build us one like you always dreamt about, or would we have moved somewhere far off new & exciting? Would we have been blessed with a child, and if so, a girl with your eyes or a boy to follow in my footsteps. Would your dream of becoming a PA have come to fruition and if so, how many more lives would you have touched with this new profession and that smile of yours? Undoubtedly many more...

All of these holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, child births and other milestones keep coming and going without fail, but they never feel quite the same without that beautiful smile that was capable of turning a rainy day into a thing of beauty. What we all wouldn't give just to see that smile once again or just to pick up the phone and hear your voice on the other end. We will forever cherish those milestones that we were fortunate enough to share by your side & know you are smiling down over those that continue on since you went away. With each day that passes and every New Year that begins, your memory will be shared, cherished &  honored until one special day when we meet again. Until that day, Ill be missing you.

"Love you to the moon & back"